Vampires Attack!

Day 495, 16:39 • Published in Norway Norway • by Maximilia

(Note: This "newspaper" is a gossip rag. It's meant for entertainment purposes only. For the real news for eNorway, check out the The Technocratian and Meningsbladet.)

Yes, that's right... our headlining story, our maiden voyage... is about the vampires attacking in our fair country of Norway! The Axe brings you the latest!

Norway... the land of the Vikings. So peaceful and serene... the invasion was insidious, and happened so quickly many Norweigans had no idea what was happening until it was too late. Starting at the highest levels of Congress all the way down to our livestock, the vampires attacked a country woefully underprepared.

"I was just walking down the street," one bystander said, "when I heard something, like... wings? Anyway, my buddy, Olaf, he was snatched right into the sky! I never saw who did it...but if it wasn't the vampires, then what else could it have been?"

Countless virtuous maidens have been turned into lusty, blood-sucking fiends as the undead poured in from Hungary. "I thought vampires were Romanian," one witness said. "But they were definitely Hungarian. You can tell... Romanian vampires have RED eyes. These vampires have green eyes. It's a fact."

Will the Congress let loose the ravening hordes of Viking warriors to defeat them? Our sources say no... that the Congress itself has been infected with this disease! The vampires have invaded our country, taking over our jobs, stealing our precious blood supply, tapping veins of untold wealth and our government is helpless to do anything about it. The country's president, KristofferAG, was unavailable for comment.

Well, we at the Axe won't take this lying down. Send a self-addressed stamped envelope for your very own wooden stake, the only sure way to kill a vampire. "Beheading and fire works too," a highly ranked military official remarked. "But it's awfully messy, and most citizens don't have a flamethrower."


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