Tell me...what are you running from?

Day 1,498, 16:31 • Published in Slovenia Slovenia • by Ice Killa
This is an article from skofjaloka, I have the feeling it can give us an insight how every man can, will or once did feel in his life, he is a man of wise words, to which you should pay attention, listen to them.


In fact this game is just a bad drug. It steals your life that spins around you. Or it can be just an escape. Escape from that life that spins around you. I just recently found that out...that in my case it is the second option. That it is an escape from your life... because life itself can be a sweet pain, the one that never ends good.

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I allowed myself to go out today. With my coworker that is already one year on a maternity leave... and I had in summer of 2010 a short affair with her... more or less it was on a Platonic level, so that we shouldn't be mistaken. I barely felt her lips and already faith had come across its way. So, today we went out, it was meant that there would be four of us..so, at the end only us two came. The girl has around 173 cm and 54 kg. Black curls and blue eyes. The body could be compared to the one of a godess, you could worship her in that way because she does deserve it... We went out...we chatted from 19 to 23 o' clock...we had a quite good time, but I kept sadly realizing that the butterflies hadn't died, they just sneaked. And now they spread out their wings. But these butterflies are cursed because the blossom, on which they could land, won't be found. Nope. Not with her...because she's afraid...she's afraid that she would get involved too much. So that means there's a will but the fear is too great...

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Fear? I don't know...it looks like 90% of the people aren't aware that you live only once. All have mighty and strong wishes, big wishes... unrealisable wishes... and they don't make them happen because they are afraid... Afraid of what? That they will find out that there exists another world? World of freedom, world of spontaneity, world of pleasure, world of sweetness? And after they found out that, they won't be pleased with what they have? And that's why they rather stick their hands into the dirt and tell themselves that it's all right, the way it is...

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Sometimes I feel as a such a damn stranger in this world that I live in. If I take for comparison from the movie Matrix...it seems that I am one of the few that has his eyes open and that's why I am unhappy...it's so much easier to live in an imaginary world of self-satisfaction. To me that world isn't enough. No! I want more! I want to live! I want to allow myself that, what I am, I want to love and to be loved. Not only to one person, I never know how to do that. I want to love her and her and her. I want to riffle the first one's hair, I want to stroke the second one on her back and I want to fall asleep in a hug from the third one...yes. That's me. Disobedient to the society's norms and in that matter unwanted - not wanted sometimes even in my own eyes. I would much rather live in your dream world where I would be happy, calm and restful with one of the girls. Much rather. But I can't, I don't know how to even if I try and want it as much...

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If there existed a pill, with which you could put your heart on one line...into one direction...into one soul and into one woman(my wife), I would immediately take it, screw the unneeded yearnings if nothing comes out of them... but there exists no such pill...there do exist a "wannabe" replacements that ease the symptoms... replacements that mean an escape from the reality... to some it's like alco, to some it's like hard drugs, to some it's like overdoing sport, being anorexic, and all kinds of obsessions, taking care for the kids, the sick ones, whatever... To me it's erepublik. A game, to which I dedicate few hours daily with sole purpose to escape from myself...the way I am, in this world that I live in, I can't be happy.

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And you, from what are you running from?

Best regards,
Ice Killa aka Howly