Gormley Survives Suicide Attack!

Day 1,443, 18:57 • Published in Ireland Ireland • by John Gormley

And now for something completely, well, the same...

Today, Mister John Gormley was found in his humble, tented home in far from healthy circumstances.

A neighbour who was witness to the events that unfolded this morning said that paramedics found him overdosed on Toilet Duck and with a toilet brush stuck in his backside.
Strangely, there was no sign of disorder or chaos within Mister Gormley's premises and certainly no sign of forced entry...except for the toilet brush!

Congress member Gormley showed signs of being very distressed by this further ordeal after recently also suffering from the hardship of being entrapped in a closet.
Indeed it was a number of hours before Gormley was in a fit state to answer questions from the waiting media and police.

When eventually the time did come for this, he made a brief statement,
"thank you for your continued support in this particularly difficult time for me and my family of 3 goats. This morning I believe I was the victim of a vicious suicide attack. It is a damning inditement of the kind of society we live in nowadays that people can actually do this to an honest, upstanding family man and citizen such as myself.
I want to say right here and now, that we will catch who ever did this and bring them to justice. You can't just go around making people drink Toilet Duck and stick toilet brushes up their buttcracks and get away with it. That might be okay in eUK, but here we rightly frown on that sort of behaviour."

Mister Gormley was then escorted to Cork University Hospital for further examination and observation.

It is still unclear whether Gormley simply does not know what "suicide" means or if he actually did attempt suicide.

But, either way, it is evident that he is a stupid moron.