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(Note: This "newspaper" is a gossip rag. It's meant for entertainment purposes only. For the real news for eNorway, check out the The Technocratian and Meningsbladet.)

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Civil War has broken out in Norway, in the capitol! Yes, our reporters are there with this front page news, bringing the exclusive to you our subscribers (all six of you)! Lena Olson takes you there:

Lena: Thanks... as you can see here... the chaos is maddening. All around, people don't know who to believe as their core ideals are being challenged. It's chaos... people are screaming... and oh, hey, here's one. Sir, SIR!

Man on the Street: What? Me?

Lena: Yes, you. I'm a reporter for the Axe, can you tell us anything about the decision at hand?

Man: Well, now, I'm of the Old Guard, you see, and there's a bunch of upstarts who came in, started tarting up the place with their new "ideas" and "people".

Lena: And so it's come down to a vote?

Man: That's right. Tomorrow, the people of Norway will decide once and for all.

Lena: Once and for all what?

Man: Who's the better captain: Kirk or Picard!

Passerby: I like the Sisco!

Woman: What about Janeway?!

Lena: Oh, this is indeed down to the wire. Who do you support and why?

Man: Well, Kirk, duh. I said I was the Old Guard! These young people... they don't know what it was like in the 60's with nothing to watch on television! We could watch Kirk get it on with the alien babes and kick (expletive deleted). It was great!

Lena: Do you view Picard as a big threat?

Passerby: KIRK ROCKS!

Man: *waved to the Passerby* Yeah, well, he's tough and all, but he's British and we all know what THEY'RE like! Kirk's should have been a Viking. Wouldn't that have been awesome? A starship Viking captain?

Lena: But the Starship Enterprise is there to seek out new civilizations and boldly go where no man has gone before...

Man: Who better than a Viking? Columbus? Bah. He didn't discover America. Norway did.

Lena: Well, there you have it. The vote will be held tomorrow.

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Ask Ragnar


Dear Ragnar,
I am a new citizen in America, and the job market there stinks! I can't even get a job to pay for my food. What should I do?
~Starving in Minnesota

Dear Starving,
GO OUT AND PILLAGE! You raid the closest village--North Dakota has a high grain value--and you annex it to Minnesota!
Also. Go Vikings.
Ragnar

Dear Ragnar,
I want to fight in my country's war, but I have no weapons and they're too expensive. What should I do?
~Weaponless

Dear Wuss... I mean Weaponless,
What do you need a weapon for?! In the old days, we would tear them apart with our bare hands! Go out and fight, and stop being a sissy.
Ragnar

(Have you got a question to Ask Ragnar? Leave a comment below or write Ragnar directly, in care of the editor.)

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Lost A😛 Have you seen my fluffy bunny? He was frolicking in the wilderness, and I lost him. 🙁

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