7 Steps to Becoming a Media Mogul
Dade Pendwyn
Canadian Conduit - Issue #44
Want to be a media mogul? Are you one of those suckers like Acacia Mason, Alias Vision, or Dade Pendwyn who thinks it will happen through quality writing? If so, prepare to be educated, because this is How to Become a Media Mogul 101.
Remember, just use these 7 keys, and you'll be swimming in subs in no time!
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1) Be, or pretend to be, a teenaged girl of above-average attractiveness - Use myspace-style self-photos as your avatar, newspaper picture, and article ads. Judean Princess, will you please give the class an example?
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2) Fill your articles with pretty pikturz - Even Writers' Guild of Canada mainstays have started breaking up blocks of text with pointless pictures in the name of aiding the literacy-challenged. Even if the text isn't brainless, you can still grab those brainless subs with the use of a few arbitrary photos (kittehz espeshuly). Dade Pendwyn, would you be so kind as to illustrate to the class how now even you cater to the lowest common denominator?
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/01/funny-pictures-monorail-cat1.jpg">
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3) Whore yourself out - Nothing says Media Mogul like paying people to pretend to read your newspaper. It's an age-old tradition for journalistic nobodies to use gold-for-subs schemes to obstensibly catapult themselves to media relevancy. dzoni gal, you've done an excellent job prostituting yourself recently; care to demonstrate to the class how they too can sell their dignity?
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4) Don't write things that require your readers to think - Using your brain is almost like doing stuff, and doing stuff is almost like excercise, and excercise is almost like work; and nobody wants to work (they just wanna bang on their drum all day). Plugson, you haven't done very well in this regard. Please show us how your articles have, unfortunately, forced people to think.
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5) Straight up sack-punch somebody over the internet - Nothing gets people riled up like a good fight, especially when they get to watch. People won't read the article, but the fact that some injustice might be occuring by some jerk against some other jerk is enough to get even the most apathetic readers to reach for the vote button. AngryMobMan, please demonstrate some genital pwnage on Gaius Julius Caesar.
http://www.deathvalleymag.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Kicked-in-the-Nads.jpg">
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6) Steal other people's work - Most people don't bother to look and see who's actually writing the stuff they're reading, so who's going to notice if you tax a few blocks of text (or heck, a whole wall of text) from somebody else's work? Nobody, that's who! PopandLock, show us how it's done.
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7) Bewbs and bumz - If you don't understand how lumps of fat could possibly grab the attention of a largely male adolescent reader base, then let me be the first to congratulate you on your successful operation. Harrison Richardson, please enlighten your peers with some junk-in-a-da-trunk.
http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2008/10/90%20Hot%20Chicks%20In%20Tight%20Shirts.jpg" alt="Oh so NOW you pay attention">
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Remember: screw journalism! Choose a combination of the preceding 7 Keys to Becoming a Media Mogul and you'll be sure to have that shiny phallic medal in no time!
I hope you'll understand what a risk I'm taking in divulging these trade secrets. Pretty soon we'll be a country full of Media Moguls. Once we are, we can change our name to Hungary.
Insincerely,
Dade Pendwyn
P.S. As you'll notice, 4 out of the 7 keys have to do with pubescent hormones, and the other 3 have to do with apathy and downright thievery. Am I suggesting that the eRepublikan reader base is made up mostly of apathetic horny young men? No. However, I am implying it through a not-so-elusive roundabout pattern of satirical jabs at successful writers.
Comments
voted.
nice article
This article is a combination of 2,5,6, and 7.
Penguin likes!
scrolled through until bewbs, voted.subbed.
#7 is obviously the best and most effective. It was the number one technique during WWIII. Pity it isn't used as much these days.
I like titties
I lol'd at the Sleepy Asian Guy getting sacked.
For a second there my brain was starting to be engaged. But the monorail cat-nutsack kick combo keep me distracted until you did me in with the two-cuties tag-team KO.
TY for the honesty. Jack Flufferton would be proud.
Poprocks, he's just trying to sucker you into a #5 to boost ratings on the article. Don't get suckered in. He's an eRep old-timer but has some tricky 'old school' moves:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_cQb2tKyozEQ/SYUQN3qKvsI/AAAAAAAAAyk/JsxuDgxNPHQ/s400/Old_School_Blue_Mud_Wrestling.jpg" target="_blank">http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_cQb2tKyozEQ/SY[..]g.jpg
If thats the case...so be it....but I have had a few ppl PM me or comment that I am a plagiarizer(?)....and that really irks me because that was never my intention. I give credit where credit is due...in every one of my articles.
Good job Dade. Unfortunatlly I have commited acts 2,7 and partially three (I consider staying on the IRC foir hours getting people to vote to be vote-whoring)
Popandlock, if it is any consolation, after reading Bill Forder's article, I mistakenly accused Joe Newton of being a plagiarist.
http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/why-cheaters-never-prosper-and-boobs-always-do-1369015/1/20" target="_blank">http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/why-[..]1/20
This was because I only skimmed over the text in Joe&Bill's articles and went straight to the funny pics&girls. No one's going to pay attention to a disclaimer or credited sources when there's easier stuff to look at.
Voté + Souscrit pour vérité !
333 subs... 1/3 done!
It's funny cause it's true. Boobies get more votes. 😉
Subbed and voted! The picture to word ratio is all wrong though.
I'm subscribing this paper because you really deserve a Media Mogul Medal. 😎
Have no fear, Pop. This entire article is practically ripped off from Plugson. http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/-wgc-15-tips-to-a-top-5-article-800626/1/20" target="_blank">http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/-wgc[..]/1/20
Wow, Cavalcanti has this fancy "eRepublik Ambassador" thingy on his profile page. I'd like everyone to note that an eRepublik Ambassador, whatever that is, thinks I should be a Media Mogul. I mean, what more is there to say, really?
unsub
You'll earn it back I'm sure.
One day...
You're bluffing TFD. I can tell cuz you twirl your hair when you do.
I never bluff.
These articles only aim to degrade all the hard work that goes into a Media Mogul Medal.
I worked DAMN hard for almost a year to get mine.
Especially for the Canadian media market.
😉
TFD, you'll notice that you weren't one of the people I mentioned. Not to mention if I'm making fun of myself, it's safe to say this isn't an attack.
I don't know why everyone has to take everything so gull-durn srs.
...why did i even come back...
Are you happy now, Dade? :3
lol, I sure am!
TFD, just chillax bro. Nobody's out to get you.
http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/tfd-wrong-for-the-party-wrong-for-canada-1367629/1/20#comments" target="_blank">http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/tfd-[..]ents
Judean Princess actually writes good articles. A lot better than 99% of the utter garbage that the WGC puts out.
You two aren't so good at the having a sense of humour thing, hey?
No, but we can recognise irony when we see it.
I liek teh kitteh pic. 🙂
I'm a cute girl - everybody sub my paper! lol
Pimp, what you're implying isn't irony, it's hypocrisy. Of course, if you were good enough for the WGC, you'd know that 😛
all true.
No Dade, I mean irony. And the WGC has nothing to do with being "good", as I'm sure a smart guy like you already knows.
I have no doubt you meant irony. What you were actually implying was hypocrisy. Don't blame me for not knowing the definition of irony outside of dictionary.com.
And, you're right; you don't have to be "good" to be in the WGC. I believe the charter says you just have to be "Better than PimpDollaz" which is why we have so-freaking-many applications 😉
Yeah, okay. Because writing an article that fails at humour has nothing to do with saying other people don't have a sense of humour.
Which I guess also explains why you think the WGC, an institution created by wannabe writers with no standards still can't produce an article that people want to mass vote for some reason.
hmmm....maybe I can find you a half decent example around here somewhere.....oh, yes, here it is:
http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/the-campaign-to-add-ejamaica-to-erepublik-879012/1/20">http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/the-[..]/1/20
You know what else has lots of votes?
http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/just-subscribe-and-win-5-10-15-25-gold-updated--1363124/1/20">http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/just[..]1/20
I certainly hope you don't think votes have anything to do with quality. The fact that no WGC article has stupid amounts of votes is actually an indication of quality.
Anyway, it doesn't matter. This needs to stop. I overestimated you, I think. I thought you'd be capable of handling some good-natured ribbing, but you're apparently taking this way too seriously.
Take a few deep breaths there big guy...It's just a game.
People vote things because they agree with what the person is saying.
The bigger issue is people thinking that just because something says "WGC", that therefore this is supposed to mean something, such as a higher standard in "journalism", which clearly is not there if you compare WGC articles to any other articles. I was trying to discuss that.
You know what else counts as both irony and hypocrisy?
Calling me out for making comments when you're obviously doing the exact same thing here. Perhaps you should take your own advice?
Breath with me. In.....out.....in.....out.....just a game.
Whoah, now I know whose article backed-up and spilled sh*te all over mine below it.
Ha, well, I'll be glad to contain the overflow, as long as someone covers the cleaning bill.
Ya know how they would settle this in the old days? An ol'fashioned showdown.
http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/and-they-re-off-mini-media-mogul-tournament-spamm-begins-747983/1/20">http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/and-[..]1/20
Name the time, the place, and may the best vote-whore survive. Pimp already has head start in the whore department but I think Dade and I can outstrip him in the other half. I'll even have a few left over to put Dade in his place.
Oh no you di-ehnt
I fully agree with you Dade. It's just a game.
It's not a society. Therefore, we don't need a "justice" system.
Sorry. Just had to take one more shot at them.
I guess I'm the feminist here. No vote from me, Dade.
But you have a whole pool of the male population following boobs, cuz sadly it's true.
Perverts.
Awesomeness.