Your Main(e) Man(iac) on a(nother) Mission
Day 668, 19:53
•
Published in USA 
•
by
•
by Rex Object
Your Main(e) Man(iac) on a(nother) Mission
Ed. Note: When we last left Rex, he was chatting up a spandex-clad William Shatner while slamming mimosas and eating fried goat in Canada's only gay Iranian S&M dungeon bar, where he'd been dropped off by a drunk Inuit after being found drunk, partially nude and semi-conscious with Pamela Anderson in an alleyway of a seedy Edmonton neighborhood…or as Rex calls it, "my usual Thursday." Now things really get weird.
Like a Taiwanese midget orgy or happy hour and open buffet at the airport-adjacent strip club, all good things must come to an end. And so, it is with heavy heart and infected bladder that I announce to you, my faithful readers, that my world tour, for now, has come to an end. Together we lived vicariously through the President of Australia, became an unwilling drug mule in Mexico, violated decency laws in Israel, messed with Ajay Bruno in South Africa, and expanded our horizons in an Iranian gay S&M club in Canada. We met hot supermodels, hotter actresses, and flaming Eskimos. We (ok, I) caught sexually transmitted diseases on four continents! Truly, it's been an adventure…but, and just so we're completely on the same page on this…an adventure that's best kept amongst ourselves and not shared, say, with the authorities. Or my probation officer. Or (and this is really important) my wife.
Yes, Rex Object, international sex symbol and all-around life of the party, is a family man…and like any family man, I seek comfort in porn, Chinese hookers, and heroin-laced weed. No, wait, scratch that. What I meant to say was that, like any family man, I seek comfort in fabricated constructs of false safety and delusional authority. And that, dear friends, is why I'm running for Congress. In Maine. Because, well, why the hell not?
Now this is the part of the sales pitch where I'm supposed to sell you on my qualifications, accomplishments and promises. So let's do that, shall we?
Qualifications
I've more than been around the block; I've been around the friggin' world (both in RL, and, if you've followed my stories, here in eRep.) This isn't my first rodeo, people…but for the record, at my first rodeo I ate the cow, roped the sheep and slept with the cowgirl (or was it "roped the cowgirl" and "slept with the sheep?" It's all kind of fuzzy.) I'm more experienced than your mom, and, let's be completely honest here; she's looser than a used Kia through a sharp turn.
Accomplishments
Yeah, yeah, yeah I was a Senator before, but I won't lie to you; I was mediocre at best. Why was I so average? Well, I was a) sober and b) serious. Well, SCREW and THAT. Let's put our schlongs on the table, shall we? The fact of the matter is that people play games like this for fun. Not to win battles, not to amass fortunes, but to have PENGUIN BOWLING FUN! Well, fun is what I've accomplished, and goddammit, as your Congressman, I guaran-goddamm-tee you you'll have fun too. Trust me on this; vote for Rex, and you'll get laid!
Promises
Ok, that last part sounded like a promise, and I apologize but…well, I can't promise to get you laid. You may, for example, be underage or (more likely) very, very unattractive. I can't help you with either of these problems. I'm not Jesus, you know (although I have heard His name called out in bed. By me. While alone.) The only thing I can promise you is that I will bring some levity to the testosterone-soaked sausage fest that in Congress, and maybe, just maybe, cure cancer.
So vote for Rex…or do you want to die a virgin and also be responsible for millions of cancer deaths?
Related Campaign Stories:
With Endorsements Like These, Who Needs Enemies?
A Politician, An Architect and a Dog Walk into a Bar
My So-Called "Competition"
You've followed Rex around the world; why not follow him as he runs (and, more than likely, fails) for a Congressional seat? Subscribe now…or die a virgin!!!
Ed. Note: When we last left Rex, he was chatting up a spandex-clad William Shatner while slamming mimosas and eating fried goat in Canada's only gay Iranian S&M dungeon bar, where he'd been dropped off by a drunk Inuit after being found drunk, partially nude and semi-conscious with Pamela Anderson in an alleyway of a seedy Edmonton neighborhood…or as Rex calls it, "my usual Thursday." Now things really get weird.
Like a Taiwanese midget orgy or happy hour and open buffet at the airport-adjacent strip club, all good things must come to an end. And so, it is with heavy heart and infected bladder that I announce to you, my faithful readers, that my world tour, for now, has come to an end. Together we lived vicariously through the President of Australia, became an unwilling drug mule in Mexico, violated decency laws in Israel, messed with Ajay Bruno in South Africa, and expanded our horizons in an Iranian gay S&M club in Canada. We met hot supermodels, hotter actresses, and flaming Eskimos. We (ok, I) caught sexually transmitted diseases on four continents! Truly, it's been an adventure…but, and just so we're completely on the same page on this…an adventure that's best kept amongst ourselves and not shared, say, with the authorities. Or my probation officer. Or (and this is really important) my wife.
Yes, Rex Object, international sex symbol and all-around life of the party, is a family man…and like any family man, I seek comfort in porn, Chinese hookers, and heroin-laced weed. No, wait, scratch that. What I meant to say was that, like any family man, I seek comfort in fabricated constructs of false safety and delusional authority. And that, dear friends, is why I'm running for Congress. In Maine. Because, well, why the hell not?
Now this is the part of the sales pitch where I'm supposed to sell you on my qualifications, accomplishments and promises. So let's do that, shall we?
Qualifications
I've more than been around the block; I've been around the friggin' world (both in RL, and, if you've followed my stories, here in eRep.) This isn't my first rodeo, people…but for the record, at my first rodeo I ate the cow, roped the sheep and slept with the cowgirl (or was it "roped the cowgirl" and "slept with the sheep?" It's all kind of fuzzy.) I'm more experienced than your mom, and, let's be completely honest here; she's looser than a used Kia through a sharp turn.
Accomplishments
Yeah, yeah, yeah I was a Senator before, but I won't lie to you; I was mediocre at best. Why was I so average? Well, I was a) sober and b) serious. Well, SCREW and THAT. Let's put our schlongs on the table, shall we? The fact of the matter is that people play games like this for fun. Not to win battles, not to amass fortunes, but to have PENGUIN BOWLING FUN! Well, fun is what I've accomplished, and goddammit, as your Congressman, I guaran-goddamm-tee you you'll have fun too. Trust me on this; vote for Rex, and you'll get laid!
Promises
Ok, that last part sounded like a promise, and I apologize but…well, I can't promise to get you laid. You may, for example, be underage or (more likely) very, very unattractive. I can't help you with either of these problems. I'm not Jesus, you know (although I have heard His name called out in bed. By me. While alone.) The only thing I can promise you is that I will bring some levity to the testosterone-soaked sausage fest that in Congress, and maybe, just maybe, cure cancer.
So vote for Rex…or do you want to die a virgin and also be responsible for millions of cancer deaths?
Related Campaign Stories:
With Endorsements Like These, Who Needs Enemies?
A Politician, An Architect and a Dog Walk into a Bar
My So-Called "Competition"
You've followed Rex around the world; why not follow him as he runs (and, more than likely, fails) for a Congressional seat? Subscribe now…or die a virgin!!!
Facebook
Twitter
Discord
Comments
Woot, just stop drinking if you get re-elected, rofl. We need you sober for Congress. XD
I fully support Rex, drunk or sober for Congress.
being a black out drunk and a congressman go hand in hand. while I was in eIsrael congress I managed to burn down jerusalem city hall and hump the presidents wife, and that was not my only accomplishment in the 20 somedays I spent living in a vodka bottle with Palestinian jewbiting prostitutes
I support logan Dunleavy for congress 😛
@AKG: the one promise I'll keep if elected is that I WON'T stop drinking. I'm running on a pickled platform, and an alcoholic agenda!
@JPJ: Thank you for your support of anti-virginity, and your opposition to cancer. We, sir, are visionaries on these issues!
@JJ: We, cowboy, must party together. We just have to find the one country where neither of us are on probation.
@Iogan: May the best drunk, skirt-chasing man win, sir!
That may be difficult Rex, most of East Asia has threatened, if I return, to cut off my, um. . . my misunderstanding. Australia has denied me a visa since that unfortunate drunken kangaroo incident. Forget about Europe. Perhaps Egypt when their doors open to citizenship. Stock up on tequila and whip-its, they are at a premium in the mid-east.
Go Rex!
Good luck Rex!
Haha go Rex!
I hope you'll be like Joe Wilson.
LOL @ Rex and Joey Jackson. Okay. XD
As an RL Mainer who's currently resideing in eFlorida but would rather be in eMaine, I fully endorse Rex. If I could afford it, I'd move to Maine, just to vote for him, then move back. He's change we can drink with.
With Pamela Anderson? Hasn't she been dead for like three years? That's really sick, Rex. No wonder he was in Canada. That must be where he keeps her corpse on ice. 😉
Nuada: It would be unethical of me to encourage you to move back to Maine just to vote for me. However, if you were thinking of a Maine vacation, I hear the weather is supposed to be lovely in Bangor on the 25th. I'm just saying. (NOTE TO MY COMPETITION: I'M JUST KIDDING. Mostly.)
Video Jack: Not sure if she was dead or not, although judging by the smell that still permeates my clothes, I'd go with "yes."
you have my vote if you yell YOU LIE durring the next state of the union.
Dont give me any RL 😕= eRep bs, just do it.
@Krems: Done. And really, it doesn't matter if what the prez says is true or not; I'll be making all kinds of accusations (most of them sexual, but still.)
I will not vote for you. or for any of your kind.
My kind? You have something against "awesome?"
lol @ Rex send nuada the tickets to move he's already publicly said he would vote for you just make it official.
What, you think other candidates and other parties aren't going to do it?
@Ase - dude wtf? major buzz kill
Also, Ase dragonblade is friends with GF/necrosis and donates money to Indonesians - he iz (allegedly) a PEACE SPAI 😮!!!
Well I'll be damned if you aren't the only person here who thinks this is just a game. You have my vote if I ever get around to moving to Maine.
Oh Rexy, you're so sexy! (Long live Empire Records)