Yet Another Campaign Platform Article
Day 1,038, 23:54
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Published in USA 
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by
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by Iasov
Yet Another Campaign Platform Article
Hello South Carolina! I hope you like ASCII-food! Swimming fish as line dividers! HELL YEAH!!
I have virtually returned to a place that I seldom really leave although I will technically be in Florida tomorrow to see what's the what of what there!
¸.·´¯`·.´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸>
Now, I am certain that almost all of you have read my autobiography All that My Eyes Have Seen: The Light, My Vision (available now at Amazon, makes a great gift or filler shelf space) but I am also a man of many maths and sciences and I know a percentage of you are blind and another percentage of you are illiterate.
I don't know what percentages are but for the quarter and a half.5 of you or so who are visually-impossibled folks, I have good news. Recent advances in science and Lego construction have developed a Braille version of my autobiography! You can pick one up at most retail booksellers! Keep your eyes peeled for the specials and bonuses such as:
* Buy one Braille copy and receive a coupon for a kaleidoscope
* Savings on cinema tickets for drive-in theaters
* Discounted flight lessons to help you get your pilot's license in no time
The audio book version is still a big hit with the illiterate. A record 370,000 copies of it have been sold in South Carolina alone! Our two poorly-funded state literacy centers--serving the upstate illiterate in the Greenville-Spartanburg area and the Lowcountry ungrammatical on the downtown Charleston peninsula--have spared no expense on their recent literacy rate study. Their findings, printed on beautiful vellum parchment, suggests that 370,000 may be a mere microfraction of a decimall of the number to people whom can't does good speak or there never learned to read.
What a sham!
To help better educate the misses, we've asked our publisher to do something special and they agreed to a Collectors' Edition copy for women. It's pink with frills and shaped like a kitten and includes an additional audio book at no extra charge. The Complete and Unabridged English Alphabet of the American Language: Homemaker Edition is a compelling read, err, listen. You'll spend hours enthralled by the stories of A and R and sometimes Y as well as their twenty-three other friends!
Fear not, gentlemen, we've a special edition for you too. The Man's Guide to A through Zero audio book has all the guts and glory of any other alphabet. It not only contains all twenty-six letters but also nine SINGLE digit numbers and because it includes Zero you'll be able to call up an operator in no time and talk INSTANTLY to any of our 9 delicious numbers. All you have to do is buy my autobiography and we'll help you to hear the alphabet like never before.
¸.·´¯`·.´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸>
Now, for those blind folks out there without arms, since you can't read Braille or press play to start an audio book, let me tell you about me:
I am Iasov.... I am a four-time Congressman, having served the beautiful Palmetto State two times already. A Sandlapper myself, I know Smiling Faces and I've seen Beautiful Places.
My last term a few months back began in late April I believe but was cut short when I was abducted by beings claiming to be from the Real World. Now I'm back and I'm scared of all these V2ish? differences. But I remember my first term of office in Chongqing. I didn't know what Congress did or, to be honest, how any aspects of eRepublik worked. Getting involved with Congress helped me to learn quickly from experienced players who already knew.
Campaign Platform Article Take 2
The Campaign was the easiest thing to find...
...on the scavenger hunt I wish I was sent on.
My imaginary friends won't ever let me go with them.
I had more difficulty with the Platform...
...'cause this guy was floating up and I can't jump high.
Now he's dead and the Platform is broken. Did you need it working?
It took some time but I realized this was a trick...
...there is one definite article but two indefinite ones.
2i > 1d? or 1d > 2i? OH HEY I GOT 3 ARTICLES, I WIN.
I'm going to sleep now.... I mean, come on.
TL
What? You expected something to follow here? The entire article is the TL
Now, this is a terrible article. It just is. I have not slept in so long that, well, I thought it was a good idea when I started it some 3 hours ago.
Initially it was going to be the three images at the bottom and captions.
At some point I decided to attack my home state.
And I don't think I even mentioned that I'm in the USWP party.
Hello South Carolina! I hope you like ASCII-food! Swimming fish as line dividers! HELL YEAH!!
I have virtually returned to a place that I seldom really leave although I will technically be in Florida tomorrow to see what's the what of what there!
¸.·´¯`·.´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸>
Now, I am certain that almost all of you have read my autobiography All that My Eyes Have Seen: The Light, My Vision (available now at Amazon, makes a great gift or filler shelf space) but I am also a man of many maths and sciences and I know a percentage of you are blind and another percentage of you are illiterate.
I don't know what percentages are but for the quarter and a half.5 of you or so who are visually-impossibled folks, I have good news. Recent advances in science and Lego construction have developed a Braille version of my autobiography! You can pick one up at most retail booksellers! Keep your eyes peeled for the specials and bonuses such as:
* Buy one Braille copy and receive a coupon for a kaleidoscope
* Savings on cinema tickets for drive-in theaters
* Discounted flight lessons to help you get your pilot's license in no time
The audio book version is still a big hit with the illiterate. A record 370,000 copies of it have been sold in South Carolina alone! Our two poorly-funded state literacy centers--serving the upstate illiterate in the Greenville-Spartanburg area and the Lowcountry ungrammatical on the downtown Charleston peninsula--have spared no expense on their recent literacy rate study. Their findings, printed on beautiful vellum parchment, suggests that 370,000 may be a mere microfraction of a decimall of the number to people whom can't does good speak or there never learned to read.
What a sham!
To help better educate the misses, we've asked our publisher to do something special and they agreed to a Collectors' Edition copy for women. It's pink with frills and shaped like a kitten and includes an additional audio book at no extra charge. The Complete and Unabridged English Alphabet of the American Language: Homemaker Edition is a compelling read, err, listen. You'll spend hours enthralled by the stories of A and R and sometimes Y as well as their twenty-three other friends!
Fear not, gentlemen, we've a special edition for you too. The Man's Guide to A through Zero audio book has all the guts and glory of any other alphabet. It not only contains all twenty-six letters but also nine SINGLE digit numbers and because it includes Zero you'll be able to call up an operator in no time and talk INSTANTLY to any of our 9 delicious numbers. All you have to do is buy my autobiography and we'll help you to hear the alphabet like never before.
¸.·´¯`·.´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸>
Now, for those blind folks out there without arms, since you can't read Braille or press play to start an audio book, let me tell you about me:
I am Iasov.... I am a four-time Congressman, having served the beautiful Palmetto State two times already. A Sandlapper myself, I know Smiling Faces and I've seen Beautiful Places.
My last term a few months back began in late April I believe but was cut short when I was abducted by beings claiming to be from the Real World. Now I'm back and I'm scared of all these V2ish? differences. But I remember my first term of office in Chongqing. I didn't know what Congress did or, to be honest, how any aspects of eRepublik worked. Getting involved with Congress helped me to learn quickly from experienced players who already knew.
Campaign Platform Article Take 2
The Campaign was the easiest thing to find...
...on the scavenger hunt I wish I was sent on.
My imaginary friends won't ever let me go with them.
I had more difficulty with the Platform...
...'cause this guy was floating up and I can't jump high.
Now he's dead and the Platform is broken. Did you need it working?
It took some time but I realized this was a trick...
...there is one definite article but two indefinite ones.
2i > 1d? or 1d > 2i? OH HEY I GOT 3 ARTICLES, I WIN.
I'm going to sleep now.... I mean, come on.
😁^ That line alone should tell you my IQ has dropped considerably.
TL
😉R VERSION
What? You expected something to follow here? The entire article is the TL
😉R version. It's full of terrible puns, trite southern stereotypes, and very little eRepublik substance at all. And why should it?
Now, this is a terrible article. It just is. I have not slept in so long that, well, I thought it was a good idea when I started it some 3 hours ago.
Initially it was going to be the three images at the bottom and captions.
At some point I decided to attack my home state.
And I don't think I even mentioned that I'm in the USWP party.
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Comments
I would have loled, but actually being from South Carolina, illiteracy cracks are getting old.
Nonetheless, vote for Iasov in South Carolina (if only because I'm blocking). 😛
-RG
IRC fixture currently on a brief break after way too much work.
I am from SC. I am there now. All my life. 😛
And I absolutely hate this article now although I thought it was genius when I was writing it.
My humor fails so horribly through text.
Now I think it's perfect and I didn't even change anything. All I did was look at it and imagine it was written by some lunatic who had probably been awake for the last four days or something. I think I'll go comment my opponent's platform article. He did a way better job.
Iasov = awesome.
What the fuck is this? I don't even...............