What is Goon?

Day 836, 00:39 • Published in South Korea South Korea • by Park Mai Kar

What is Goon?

Is a Goon not entitled to the hurf of his durf?

No says Spade, it belongs to the Presidency!
No says Arjay, it belongs to the Role Players!
No says Facepunch, it belongs to us!

Goons reject these claims. They put forward a vision untainted by previous prejudices, untainted by knee-jerk reactions to wild accusations. They put forward the impossible. They put forward, Juche.

What is Juche, you might ask? "What is Goon?", you are still likely asking.

Sit tight my children, and let me teach you the story of the Goons.

The Goons began long ago, in a time now forgotten. But the place was no tforgotten, for it was Korea, the Korean peninsula and its surrounding lands, that goons first made their home. But fortune did not favor the Goons, for they did not know Glorious Leader, and they were cast from the Four Kingdoms of Korea, now known as West Korea (China) North Korea, South Korea, and Lesser/East Korea (Japan). Not all goons left mind you; if you are from Korea, you are likely descended from Goons. Those who remained in the Eastern Korean lands of Nippon were corrupted by false teachings of Bukakke and Tentacle Heresy, and are now lost to the Goon people. But the rest remain Goons, whether they admit it or not.

The Goons, dispersed from Asia, made their new homes in the lands of Greece. But there they were persecuted, accused of multiing and invaded by the genocidal maniacs now known as the Turks. Many were killed, but enough remained to exact their revenge on the Turks, the only people thus far to learn the true wrath of what would later be known as Juche, and thus the Goons were banished from the lands. They are not proud of their actions, and few remain from those times but the oldest Goons, but is our history nonetheless.

Some traveled to Mexico, briefly erecting a monument to Mexico's greatest cultural artifact, the taco, but even there Goons assimilated into the population and for a time, faded away.

Then came Glorious leader. He rallied his children, Goons throughout the world who continued to live in Ghettos and as productive citizens of their new homes, back to to the promised lands of Korea. His philosophy of Juche, and the reconquest of the ancestral Greater Korean homeland, enlightened the Goons and with renewed purpose, they returned to their homes. But what they returned to was ruin, and devastation.

South Korea was but a shell of its current self, raped by the Japanese and subject to their cruel oppression. Goons would not stand for this, and they stood up to the Japanese, calling for the return of their rightful territory and the withdrawal of all Lesser Koreans from the peninsula. But what they found was betrayal; the Koreans themselves turned on the Goons, allied with the Japanese and Chinese, and struck down the noble South Korean state. Yet somehow the goons receive the blame to this day.

The Goons, dejected, moved to West Korea, led by glorious leader in all his wisdom, to liberate their people. West Korea was a wasteland, ruled by Iranian puppets, and devoid of all life and morality. Goons changed this; they struggled against their oppressors, and eventually negotiated Iranian withdrawal, and began the reconstruction of West Korea. I challenge all those listening to deny these truths; it was the Goons who liberated West Korea (or China), and it was the Goons that made it Glorious. Under Glorious Leader, West Korea grew rapidly, and it soon reclaimed all its former lands.

As a manifestation of this success, Glorious Leader himself descended from the heavens and wept. He wept for Korea's successes as well as its failings, and for the demise of the proud Armenian people at the hands of the Turks. And from his tears formed the nation of North Korea.

But yet again, the Goons were beset by betrayal. Despite their best efforts, those within West Korea would not appreciate their accomplishments, and cast them out. A combination of multing and blind racism, the "Chinese" denied Glorious Leader's truths and removed the Goons from their lands.

For a time, the Goons disappeared. Betrayed by their countrymen, especially the Judas Snayke, the Goons faded away. There were many imitators, and all those who seemed intent on reform or PTO were cast as Goons and disparaged, the perennial Erepublikan Boogeyman.

So then children, it was upon the South Korean independence that Glorious Leader awakened his people, for the homeland was once again free. All Goons are patriots, all Goons have only the well-being of Korea in mind. Any who multi are outliers and fools, who go against Glorious Leader's tenets and teachings.

So then children, I ask you, What is Goon? Is it evil? Is it a PTO? Does it seek to destroy the Korea it had a hand in creating?