This Election Will Change Everything

Day 1,128, 15:55 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

Issue 17
"The Fieldist shows us that life is divided evenly into the horrible and the miserable." ~Phoenix Quinn, Dean of the SFP Free University


Thousands Prepare To Elect Same People To Congress
Citizens all over America are preparing for "groundswell" election which will fundamentally change the election, wiping out the old incumbents to bring in a new breed of freshmen senators who will transform American society. Wait, no, no, they're not. Sorry, we got that confused with somewhere else.

Instead, Americans will re-elect the exact same people to Congress, where they will make pretty much the same decisions they have been, make no choices that would fundamentally change things, and generally live by the principle "don't rock the boat". Americans are excited, said one voter, "oh boy, I can't wait to vote and have my opinion completely ignored by a political insider who will never speak to me."


(This image probably violates copyright laws, but someone else did it first)

Some Americans, in stark contrast to the preferred option of voting in the same people have decided to come up with an innovative solution: vote for a new person. Unfortunately, the pentpartite system ensures that new people will be locked out, and those that do run will be so greenhorn that they're almost guaranteed to fail. Incumbent senators have plan for freshmen who are elected though. "We'll just compromise them until they're as jaded as we are," said an unnamed senator, who may or may not live in a state that's has an American Indian name.

The Fieldist offers up one choice for American citizens looking for fresh blood, intelligent thinking, and pure unadulterated Americanism. SamWystan is running for congress in Rhode Island. A great candidate for a great state, and a great people. Why not vote for him this Christmas, and give yourself the gift of happiness?


Update: The Fieldist has learned that another paper, The Day, Today has ripped us off.


Interview With Irish President John Gormley (Part 1)
As The Fielidst continues its ongoing coverage of Ireland, we had a lull in interviews due to our wait for Irish Union Party president e-Kane to get back to us. We decided that such a gap should be filled by the Irish President, John Gormley. We sat down with Mr. Gormley in his offices at the Áras an Uachtaráin.

The Fieldist: You're through a large portion of your term as President of Ireland. What's been your biggest success? What's been your biggest mistake? What's one abuse of presidential power you should have used?
John Gormley:Well, frankly my biggest success was getting through the first week! When I took over we were on the verge of being wiped out and it was a hectic week trying to put a Government together as well as trying to fight several battles. Things have settled down a lot since then thank God!
My biggest mistake may have been my handling of the orangejuicemmm situation. You have to understand that in eIreland it is very easy to create strong grudges but very difficult to end them. I opened up an old wound by appointing OJ and I was naive enough to think that people would get over it.
One abuse of presidential power? Thanks for reminding me. I never did get that monkey butler I ordered...

TF:At this time, will you announce that you intend to seek re-election? Follow ups: If yes, don't you think that shows a large bit of hubris? If no, why? Are you a wimp? If maybe, or you're unsure, is such indecisiveness really a quality the Irish should suffer in a leader?
JG: I cannot announce that at this time. But I am pretty sure I will not be seeking re-election. I haven't completely decided though.


(He's a very relaxed president, so I took off my shirt too)

TF: John Snuggles, Dan Murchadh, and e-Kane. Who do you date, who do you marry, who do you kill? Follow up: how would you do each?
JG: Gay marriage isn't legal in Ireland, so it would have to be date or kill. I think I would date all 3 and decide who deserves a killing.
How would I do each? Slowly.

TF: What's the name of the Irish military? Where were they in the last war? Does Ireland have the cash to arm its soldiers? Does Ireland have the brewery capabilities to intoxicate its soldiers, or are you forced to substitute quality Irish drafts for American light beers (a.k.a. beer-flavored water)?
JG: Irish Defence Forces (IDF). The last time they were ordered to fight was in the battle for Prince Edward Island which France won. We have the cash to arm our soldiers but only barely. Supplies have been relatively low lately, so that has got to improve.
[In Reference to beer] Of course. Who are you asking like? We are Irish after all. We're very fond of our drink...


Wystan's Raiders: We Rock


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