Report Exclusive: Presidential Candidate Saves Kitten
Day 469, 16:59
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Published in USA 
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by
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by Jewitt
Exclusive!
3 March, 2009 (Day 469), Former Tennessee Congressman and Presidential Candidate Jewitt jumped in front of incoming Moving Tickets on Highway 127 (VA) to save a poor little kitten which was attempting to run across the eight-lane highway.
"It was a traumatizing experience," explained the kitten, "but that nice man was there to help me." When asked what its name was, it became quite allusive and sketchy, though here at The Report we figured it had to do with its near-death experience.
When asked about the encounter, Jewitt said, "I really only acted on instinct. When I see a poor little kitten about to get side-swiped by a Q1 Ticket being driven by some psycho, I can't help myself but to try to save the poor thing." The driver of the ticket is unknown.
Report is Expanding its Staff
Following the Department of Public Relations being set up successfully in Albania, The Report is looking to expand its staff and to sign on affiliate news agencies in an attempt to great a "Better eAmerica."
Staff Positions Available!
The Report would like to welcome Michael Hunt (We call him Mike Hunt though he does not like it) as our new Field Correspondent which will be working more with our satirical and "lulz" articles. This is to give Jewitt a break, and give us a reason to write articles about Jewitt without the title of "bias" being applied by every other comment. It's "Mike," not "Jew."
We are also looking for a Marketing Director to work with our Public Relations Department to get The Report to the masses. Speaking about Marketing...
Marketing Scheme Released
After successful and extensive testing on Swede babes, The Report is glad to announce our newest advertising campaign to increase our subscription and reader base; Report Rolls! Why wipe your rear end with something made with tissue paper when you can have something made with tissue paper and The Report's symbol on it?!
The Report has begun releasing Report Rolls through the many bathrooms throughout the eUSA, mostly targetting the more conservative and zombie states, as they seem to be our weak demographics. Report Rolls: It's like wiping your rear with the skirt of an angel!
________________________________________ _______________________________
To Do List:
If you have, what you think is, a unique newspaper outlet, contact The Report and we will see about setting up a cooperative partnership. Ideas on the news agency are still in their infancy, but we are looking for partners.
On the 5th, vote not for USWP, UIP, CVP, or even AAP, vote for Pie. Honestly, what does a good slice of pie give? Everything. What do politicians bring? Nothing.
Photograph courtesy of Jewitt in his apartment's bathroom.
-Jewitt, Chief Editor
3 March, 2009 (Day 469), Former Tennessee Congressman and Presidential Candidate Jewitt jumped in front of incoming Moving Tickets on Highway 127 (VA) to save a poor little kitten which was attempting to run across the eight-lane highway.
"It was a traumatizing experience," explained the kitten, "but that nice man was there to help me." When asked what its name was, it became quite allusive and sketchy, though here at The Report we figured it had to do with its near-death experience.
When asked about the encounter, Jewitt said, "I really only acted on instinct. When I see a poor little kitten about to get side-swiped by a Q1 Ticket being driven by some psycho, I can't help myself but to try to save the poor thing." The driver of the ticket is unknown.
Report is Expanding its Staff
Following the Department of Public Relations being set up successfully in Albania, The Report is looking to expand its staff and to sign on affiliate news agencies in an attempt to great a "Better eAmerica."
Staff Positions Available!
The Report would like to welcome Michael Hunt (We call him Mike Hunt though he does not like it) as our new Field Correspondent which will be working more with our satirical and "lulz" articles. This is to give Jewitt a break, and give us a reason to write articles about Jewitt without the title of "bias" being applied by every other comment. It's "Mike," not "Jew."
We are also looking for a Marketing Director to work with our Public Relations Department to get The Report to the masses. Speaking about Marketing...
Marketing Scheme Released
After successful and extensive testing on Swede babes, The Report is glad to announce our newest advertising campaign to increase our subscription and reader base; Report Rolls! Why wipe your rear end with something made with tissue paper when you can have something made with tissue paper and The Report's symbol on it?!
The Report has begun releasing Report Rolls through the many bathrooms throughout the eUSA, mostly targetting the more conservative and zombie states, as they seem to be our weak demographics. Report Rolls: It's like wiping your rear with the skirt of an angel!
________________________________________ _______________________________
To Do List:
If you have, what you think is, a unique newspaper outlet, contact The Report and we will see about setting up a cooperative partnership. Ideas on the news agency are still in their infancy, but we are looking for partners.
On the 5th, vote not for USWP, UIP, CVP, or even AAP, vote for Pie. Honestly, what does a good slice of pie give? Everything. What do politicians bring? Nothing.
Photograph courtesy of Jewitt in his apartment's bathroom.
-Jewitt, Chief Editor
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Comments
Pertamax, from teh fed.
wo0t!!! awesome
wtf with the cat
and the toilet stuff
freaky
Mhmmm....Report Rolls.
Ooooo satirical articles? I like 🙂
You jumped in front of moving tickets?! GOOD GOD THEY ARE DANGEROUS!
Scrabman saved TWO kittens...
Exclusive
Augusta, Maine. 3 March, 2009 (Day 469), There have been a report from an unnamed source that stated a different story from the one Jewitt published. Apparently, on his way to his office in his moving ticket, Jewitt carelessly ran over a kitten. Knowing that would hurt his image, he quietly threw the dead kitten in the garbage can. To explain his delay to work, Jewitt decided to grab another kitten and made it appear as if he saved him.
Jewitt can do it!
Play the eLottery 😉
http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/-new-round-for-the-elottery--746236/1/20
I suggest you outlaw moving tickets. It seems Singapore has. We have no tickets on the market at all.
Emerick is great. Vote for him and the guy that he put on the ticket to do his bidding
I would have voted for Emerick and that other guy, but I just can't abide cat assassins. It's the Jew for me on March 5th!
If it makes you feel any better, that cat was scrabman's lover
Jewitt Can Dew itt!
March 5th vote Jewitt
My understanding is that the alleged "poor" "little" "kitten" was actually a grotesquely obese naked mole rat, filthy rich from his syndication checks from Kim Possible, code named "Ruthless" or "Rufus" or some such...whats more I believe that he won the Hero Medal in yesterdays alleged "wargames" fighting alongside Emerick for the resistance forces AGAINST eMURIKA. Treasonous rodent...yea thanks for saving him there Jewitt!
Best success my friend...🙂
"20Emerick11 hours ago If it makes you feel any better, that cat was scrabman's lover"
Teehee