My So-Called "Competition"

Day 672, 08:41 • Published in USA USA • by Rex Object
My So-Called "Competition"

Ed. Note: Rex Object is running for Congress in Maine. Vote for him or die a virgin; it's really just that simple. No, really…that's his entire platform. He's not what you'd call an "idea guy."

Much to my amazement, it turns out that, at this time, there are three other candidates for Maine's Congressional seat seeking the vote of the one actual citizen of that state. I suppose that fact that it's a crowded field shouldn't come as too big of a surprise to me; people have always wanted to be wherever I go (although, I admit, sometimes there's an exchange of money involved for the pleasure of their company.) However, as I've always said when crashing a sorority pajama partly with a jar of ecstasy in hand and a handful of Viagra in stomach, "the more the merrier!"

Anyway, let's take a look at my so-called "competition," shall we?

seeker1 (AAP): Sure, seeker may be more experienced than me (level 20 vs 18,) and might possibly have served more terms in Congress (3 vs 1,) and could be a harder worker (5 medals to my 2,) and may very well significantly outrank me (general vs. colonel,) BUT…I forgot where I was going with this. OK, seeker1 is awesome. You should probably vote for her. Heck, after what I just wrote I'M probably going to vote for her. (You can read seeker1's presentation here.)

Ghinculov (LI😎: I have to be honest here, I'm a little disappointed that after I filed numerous lawsuits against them, burned down their headquarters and impregnated their last two party presidents my former party (the Libs) saw fit to put up a candidate against me. Where is the loyalty, I ask you? Now, I don't know much about ghinculov, other than he claims to be a native of Maine and even has a Stephen King avatar to prove it…and as anyone who has read one of Mr. King's novels can tell you, the entire state is populated by creepy psychopaths. That said, now that I think about it, most of my friends are creepy psychopaths. Using that logic, you, and maybe I, should vote for ghinculov. (You can read Ghinculov's presentation here.)

Iogan Dunleavy (CVP): All I know about Mr. Dunleavy is that he's a horrible speller but a snappy dresser. That said, he IS a conservative, and as we all know, under those stiff collars and chastity belts all conservatives are raging sexual deviants and secret substance abusers. I mean that in a good way, of course; some of the wildest coke orgies I've ever attended (and man, I've attended A LOT) were hosted by people like Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh. So vote for Iogan and maybe he'll extend you an invite to his next cocaine-monkey sex bash! See you there! (You can read Iogan Dunleavy's presentation here.)

As competent and accomplished as my competitors may be, ask yourself this: will any of them get you laid? Off course not! Read more about this and my ground-breaking and bed-rattling platform in my own presentation here.

"Penguin Bowling Balls" is a wholly-owned subsidy of "Penguin Bowling Balls, Ltd," a world-wide leader in drunken debauchery and moral turpitude. Subscribing to "Penguin Bowling Balls" has been scientifically proven to enhance your sex appeal.