Augustus Baldwin Wins CSD Presidency; Doesn't Care What You Think

Day 481, 16:56 • Published in Canada Canada • by Augustus Baldwin

Ottawa-- Augustus Baldwin, a 7-month-old seven-term Congressman from British Columbia, shattered more than 1 year of eCanadian history Sunday night by becoming the first non-CSD member to become President of the Canadian Social Democrats.

A crowd of nearly a five people jammed the eCanada IRC channel, where Baldwin addressed the CSD for the first time as its president-elect at 7pm ET. Dozens more — Canadian President Bruck said he would not be surprised if twenty Canadians jammed the channel — watched on as Baldwin spoke.

“If there is anyone out there who doubts that I won this election, who still wonders if my dream of a better CSD is possible, who still questions my power, you can go directly to Hell,” Baldwin declared.

“Young and old, rich and poor, French and English, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, retarded and normal, Canadians have sent a message today that they want Augustus Baldwin,” he said.

“This has been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what I did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to the CSD,” he said to a long roar.

Baldwin congratulated his major opponent, disgraced former President Zanalan, for his “unimaginable” opposition to progress, first as President of Canada for 2 terms and then for nearly a month in Opposition.

Zanalan called Baldwin to offer his congratulations, Baldwin’s chief spokesman, Mustache Dictator, told the Guns of August. Baldwin refused to take Zanalan’s call, but noted he was eager to sit down and talk to some guys about how to deal with the now deposed former leader.

Canadian President Bruck called to congratulate Baldwin and promise a smooth transition of power to a national CSD government come next elections, government spokeswoman Dominik said.

“Mr. Party President-elect, congratulations to you. What an awesome night for you, your supporters, and indeed all of Canada” said Bruck, who invited Baldwin and his team to Ottawa as soon as it was convenient.

The president also called Zanalan to say that he was proud of the former leader’s efforts and that he was “sorry it didn’t work out.”

“You didn’t try very hard, and you got what you paid for,” Bruck said.

Campaigning as a Messianic agent of rebirth, and not a party stealing carpetbagger, Baldwin swept away all those who stood before him. Baldwin beat Zanalan by infinite percent to zero percent, and he can now realistically declare himself the winner. As of Sunday afternoon, Baldwin noted he didn’t care what the vote count said, as most members of the CSD didn’t know any better anyways.

Surveys of voters as they left polling places nationwide strongly noted that many people did not realize their vote was meaningless, and that Baldwin would win either way. As expected, Augustus won overwhelmingly among people who mattered, and did poorly among those who didn’t. And he garnered nearly 100% of the vote among those who joined the CSD just to vote for him.

That dynamic was telling among those with Augustus in their name, where Baldwin felt be held a strong natural advantage. Exit polling showed Baldwin’s expectations were accurate, as he polled 100% among those who shared his name.

A senior adviser said Zanalan himself was “fine” but that he felt “he should have realized he could never beat Augustus.”

Experts believe voters were lured to the polls by the historic nature of an election starring Augustus Baldwin, a man of unparalleled grander and greatness. It was an election that held the potential to yield the greatest president in CSD history, and reject the return of general party malaise.

Baldwin is expected to name himself to the CSD Hall of Fame in a nationally broadcast speech tomorrow.