Advice for PTOers Currently Visiting New Zealand

Day 1,068, 00:55 • Published in New Zealand Bolivia • by Arjay Phoenician


It was a foregone conclusion that, when eNew Zealand was announced to be part of the latest batch of new countries, there would be a PTO attempt. No one is surprised that there are a few Johnny-come-lately gangs who have graces us with their presence, postured themselves, dared the provisional government, and laid claim to this country, bringing whatever baggage they’ve brought with them.

It’s only fair to give our visitors a couple of pearls of wisdom, some food for thought, something to think about as they prepare themselves in their own sinister way for the upcoming Congressional elections.

1. SIX NEW COUNTRIES MEANS SIX PTO ATTEMPTS. If you’re from Serbia, Hungary, Romania, or some other country in perpetual thievery mode and can’t give these new countries a chance to even form a government before you start throwing your weight around, bear in mind that there are six countries in the mix this time around. Every single freaking one has its own set of PTO freaks to contend with. I advise you, if you are from a country with the perpetual policy of PTOing every country possible, to focus on maybe one or two countries. You can’t try PTOing every one of us, you’ll spread yourself too thin, and you won’t win any. Add all your other commitments, your attempts in all your old stomping grounds all over the world, and you have to ask, can you really spare the resources on this country?

2. PICK UP AFTER YOURSELVES. Woodstock may have been a great party for two million hippies, but the poor farmers who had to clean up after them when they all went back home, they have my sympathy. When you lose the PTO attempt and go back to whatever country you came from, do us all a favor, and pack up the crap you brought with you. Change your newspapers back to that of your native homeland. Sell off your businesses, they’ll be marked and no one will buy from them anyway. Don’t allow your presence to linger. Be a good guest and bag your own trash.



3. CITIZENSHIP CLOSES ON TUESDAY. We said it on the forum when we first started, we’re all Kiwi’s now. That will include you, Mister PTO Guy, the moment open citizenship ends, and you’re stuck here with the rest of us. If you did come here to vote for the PTO candidate of your choice, I recommend you leave the country immediately after casting your vote, or you’ll be a New Zealander forever. Do you really want to be stuck here, after you lose your attempt, unable to ever return home? If you’re a native Serbian or Romanian, won’t it just burn a hole in your soul to have to salute the flag of New Zealand?

4. TROLL IN THE LANGUAGE OF THE COUNTRY YOU’RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER. I’ve always found it a little cowardly when I get in an argument with someone, and they start insulting in a foreign tongue, it tells me they’re not man enough to let me know what they’re really saying. It’s a punk move made by punk people. Me, I’m all for bilingualism and multiculturalism and all the other tree hugging –isms out there, but I’m also in support of telling a person off, looking him in the eye, and being as blunt and direct as possible. If I’m going to talk trash to you, I’m going to make sure you know every word that comes out of my piehole. Making some snide remark in a language no one in this country understands, just to give your buddies something to giggle over, only makes you look a little more like a punk, not even man enough to give the middle finger and then run away.

5. DON’T THINK WE’RE STUPID. We know you’re here, we see you, we were expecting you. Don’t act like your arrival was a surprise. There’s no point in lurking in the shadows, no point in trying to blend in. Your cover is blown, you are not anonymous. Just come right out and say it, you came to take what you refused to work for on your own. You had every chance to be part of this community when we started putting it together the day the coming of eNZ was announced, but you chose the lazy, cheap route of the PTO. Don’t try to play us as if, now, suddenly, you’ve always been a Kiwi at heart, and you want to be a part of it two days before elections.

6. CAN YOU FIT MORE OF YOU INTO MACEDONIA? 6,929 people in Macedonia, as of this writing. Freakin’ A! Apparently that’s where the party is, that’s where all the really interesting stuff is going to happen. What the hell are you doing here, when you can be where every other PTO hoodlum in the world is? My Dio, it’s like Sturgis when every biker in America descends upon it, a sleepy town of 20,000 362 days a year, up to a half million over one three-day weekend. It’s the ultimate PTO jamboree, and you’re missing it by picking on New Zealand. I know people in this game take pride when they take part is a major battle, one of those that changes history, with over two million damage; this is one of those moments if you’re a PTO thug. I’m sure we can get you moving tickets to get you there if you need them. It’s the ultimate PTO orgy. Seven thousand folks in Macedonia, what do you think the ratio of multi’s to legitimate citizens is, ten to one?



7. DARE TO BE DIFFERENT. Every PTO, it’s the same four or five things we hear all the time:

--The provisional government is a bunch of Nazis/commies/fgts.
--We’re saving this country from EDEN/Phoenix domination because we’re with the other side.
--This world would be boring without us doing this.
--This land was destined to be our land all along.
--We’re keeping your community active and alert, we’re doing you a favor.

Can’t you come up with something a little more original? I’d love for something new, something like, we’re here because we’re oppressed in our mother country and this is how we apply for refugee status. How about, we’re taking over the country, and to show our appreciation, we’ll buy everyone a beer, no hard feelings. Honesty would be refreshing, wouldn’t you just love to see the leader of a PTO group, just once, stand up and say, we’re here because we’re lazy and refuse to build a society of our own, our existence is parasitic, and once we suck this country dry, we’ll move on and leave you destitute, weak, with a F’ed-up economy, cockamamie tax rates, and no means to defend yourselves from the next group just like us?



8. KEEP YOUR CRYING TO THE ADMINS TO A MINIMUM. I know the population of the world is bloating, everyone knows what’s happening, the PTO artists are creating hundreds or even thousands of multi’s for the sake of stealing all six elections. Dutiful observers are putting notes together and already calling out these multi’s and their creators. When the admins ban you for doing so, don’t cry to them, don’t sent tickets to appeal, and for Dio’s sake, don’t use your org to post an article declaring your innocence. It’s whining, and it diminishes your dignity. There’s nothing honorable in cheating to steal an election, you’re only compounding your lack of honor by crying like an infant after the fact. Take your banishment with your head held high. You committed the crime, you have no one to blame but yourself. The rest of us are moving on without you.

I hope this gives our PTO visitors something to think about. I don’t know if the provisional government of New Zealand will be successful in defending this country against this takeover bid, but I know everyone is on the alert, everyone I know has a good idea on what to do, and morale is high. This community is together, even crybabies like me are setting our criticism aside for the sake of national unity, at least through this first cycle. As far as this article goes, I hope those who came here for the sake of malice and mayhem do so with a grain of wisdom, and if they haven’t quite thought everything through, perhaps this article will be of some assistance to them.