Join the new world

Having recently been elected (yes, elected!!) to the Revolutionary Committee of the Socialist Freedom Party, I am feeling it is incumbent upon me now to emerge from my comfy retirement-cave and to actually "play the game" for a little while.

So hiya. Iyam backatcha ya big ol' bayatches. So, yah. Like dat. Hunh. Dealwiffit. Hufflepuff.


OK.

First, and borrowing from the immortal words of Bill the Cat, I'd like send out, right now, right up front, before we get started, an especial greeting to my old friends, to the chicken-fellow and to the pumpkin-dude, respectfully: "Ack!!" and "Thbbfft!!".




LOL.

No, really, in the spirit of the season, I'd like to offer a toast -- or two -- to all y'all.



When I first fell sat down this morning and started thinking about what I wanted to say here, I kept thinking to myself, "I can't believe I am writing yet another article for eRepublik. I must be insane." I was nervous at first. But then I had another stiff drink before breakfast and now I'm not so much.

You know. My friends and comrades didn't really ask me to do this. But. I was hearing voices in my head saying I should. So here we are.


I am still a little nervous. Remember how they told us in school to imagine the audience is all naked when you are public speaking? I am trying that now. But it's not working. And now I feel a little nauseated. I kinda wanna puke.



I'll never forget when I first heard about this amazing online game -- all about politics, war, community, international relations and stuff. How it was fun and interesting and engaging. Honestly, I have no idea what happened to that game. But eRepublik is OK too.

Seriously now. And this is impotent. Players should know that I have worked long and hard to set the bar as low as possible. And I recommend you do too.

Along those lines, I was going to share some of the amazing, funny, instructive, melancholy, heartwarming, frightening and downright appalling stories about the characters I've met who play this game. But then I realized that, well, lots of folks know a good a bit about me and my history in eRepublik. And they may have stories to tell about me too. Pluss I still kinda worry that Pizza the Hut might know where I live. So maybe we'll just skip that part.

Honestly. No. What I mean to say is. Well. You're all just great, really. It's so swell hanging out with y'all, conquering the world and screeching about Merika and whatnot. What can I say? You've really grown on me. Now, for realz, I'd love to offer some great advice on how best to play the game. But I am super-lazy and barely even know what buttons to smash anymore. So I'll pass on that too.


A drink for my friends! Here's to love, laughter and happy-ever-after! Slàinte mhòr!



You know, as a respected e-public figure, elder scotsman, and member of the international brother-n-sisterhood of garden-variety-former-meowists, I get boatloads of messages and crap asking me all sorts of stuff about the history of socialism in eRepublik, regarding the artful intricacies of post-modern-neo-Gramcism in a post-ironic, post-imperial e-world order, about whether I ever actually dated Osmany Ramon or if we were just really good buds, and so on and so forth.

I endeavor to reply to all honest queries. I do occasionally take a wee dram before answering them. But who doesn't? Amitite?




For those who don't know me, I'm Robert F Williams, the reincarnation of Phoenix Quinn. I may have already mentioned that once or twice before. First, thank you all for being here! Especially Eugene Harlot. Where are you, you old battle-axe? Stand up! Oh. Gone I guess. And Gnilraps, you media hound. Stand up and be counted.




OK. Mom, hi there. Yeah, I see you're still playing.


Yeah, let's have a round of e-applause for all these great players!

(Wild applause. Rhythmic stomping of feet. Cheers from the rear of the crowd. One long boooo.. Hi George.)


OK. Yeah. Hey, I'm still talking. Settle down. Let's see. Hmm. Well, first I'd like to thank Glenkinchie for making this speech possible.


Oh wait. I'm getting a phone call. I'll decline. I don't know anybody named "Battle Kitty" anyway.

Hey, here's something interesting. It's about me. You may not realize it, but I have not always been a member of the Socialist Freedom Party! I was briefly in the US Workers Party before I realized they were modern-day Titoite revisionists selling out the international e-proletariat for a bowl of goulash and a chance to audition on American Idol. Aother time I got super smashed and started a new party called the Outlaw Motorcycle Gang. OMG, really! We drove around eRepublik on souped-up bikes, sold e-coke to virtual lawyers from the e-USA Forum, made gun deals with the Irish Army, and started up an alliance with a Chilean e-gang called the Mapuche Anti-Fascist Insurrection Against Authoritarian Neo-Liberalism. (It sounds better in Spanish... not sure whatever happened with that idea.) Hold on dammit. Another call. Heh. "Pope Cali". Right. Red button. Next it'll be "Disco Mussolini" or some other made-up shiyat. LOL. I am putting it on mute.


My suggestion to players is to keep each other well-fed, to periodically get some sort of job or do some sort of job that can help clear out your Mom's credit card debts, to surprise your lovers occasionally with heartfelt praise and/or with expensive bling, and, most of all, to never ask Rosa about his medications -- or anything else for that matter.

You're all so beautiful. I can't wait to see your babies. I bet they'll be delicious!

What?

...-ly beautiful! Deliciously beautiful!! Just like all of you!!!!






I wanted to say something a little extra special here today. As the official older sister, ugly aunty, and witchy-bitchy-in-the-attic of the global anarka-socialist movmement, I expect there is a some heightened level of expectation here. Something dramatic. Something edgy. At least something outré, right? But I am not going to do that.

Lighting myself on fire is just not gonna happen.
No gender reveal party.
No coming out.
No pointing out that my little brother looks just like the mailman.

I just want to share my happiness. The SFP community are my best friends in this world. Everbody shout now!
Shots! Shots Shots! Yeah!

I'm going to give you some real gaming advice now because, as we all know, "Those who can, do. And those who can't, teach."

Everything I know about playing eRepublik I learned from my loyal dog, Olive.

She's pretty old now. Like old old. Like 105 in "people years" old. But she is a great teacher. The main thing she teaches me every day is: "Getting out of bed is over-rated." The second thing is: "We should go outside to pee." She's very firm on this second point. When I lived in town, my neighbors were not so thrilled about it, but now that I've relocated to a distant shore, it's only a problem on those days when the wind chill is 10 below.

Another good tip is: "Get a dog!" Dogs are wonderful distractions from the boredom of eRepublik!

And another one is: "Get another dog!" The second dog is really good for handling any distractions that might arise when the first dog gets as bored with you as you are with eRepublik.

Number three: "Get a cleaning service." Dogs can be messy.

Tip number 4: "Travel as much as you can." Both inside eRepublik and inside your mind. Also in the world. If you have children, consider traveling without them. Maybe to a lovely tropical beach during the winter while they are in school. Making your children miserably jealous of your cool lifestyle is one of the best ways to get those little monsters out of the house. So you'll have room for more dogs.

Next tip: "Be a good friend." Make your friends happy and crazy. One night, when you're passed out after binge-watching some idiotic reality TV show with friends, you'll have your mouth hanging open and a slight drool dripping down, another friend will still be grasping the remote control as he or she snores, and other friends who managed to not pass out will be posting a video of you on TikTok looking that ridicumous. But then you'll all still get together for pancakes and a big ol' fried breakfast at some point during the holidays, once all the damn relatives have left, and you'll be so glad that you can still share a bit of crack together.





But srsly, if you need to know the measure of a player, simply consider their friends.


Here's to you all, I mean it: Love, Happiness and lots of e-Pancakes!






Yr sometimes correspondent,
RFW