Scientific Analysis of Presidential Preferences

Day 4,178, 16:41 • Published in USA USA • by Pfenix Quinn
A Scientific Analysis of Presidential Preferences
Also: Pants

The next Presidential election in these electronic United Shakes will determine the future course of our history in dramatically mundane ways.

So many possibilities. So little time. And so on. And so forth.






So many questions to consider...

Which buttons will I click today?

In what order?

Is that bizarrely self-shaming article from Ajay Bruno still near the top of the story feed?

Or has it moved to a more appropriate spot as a bottom feeder?

Should I put on pants today?

Or just stay in my PJ's?




Hey, how old do I have to be before I can wear my slippers to the grocery store anyway?





What were we talking about?





Oh right. The spasmodic monthly Presidentielle. The shining moment of our e-lives. The pinnacle of All-That-Is.




To be frank, I don't really pay attention to the details of the game much anymore. But heck, let's give it a go.

As I understand it, this month's epic match-up is between a quasi-socialist allergy medicine called zRTx and a determinedly obstinate and possibly amoral-nihilist brand of chicken soup referred to colloquially as "chickensguys" or "Chechen Guy" or "the CG" or something like that.






Preferring truly r-r-r-r-revolutionary anarka-communist cold medicines and wholly wholesome and morally straight, upright, trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent brands of lentil-garlic-leek soups myself, it is a wee bit difficult to say which of these choices I'd recommend.

Still. Considering my general fake-game-loyalties, which, like other important parts of me, usually lean to the Left, the idea of 10,000 turns of socialist freedom leadership, or at least one more month of an SFP-supported Prez, does give me a cheap thrill. So that's that, eh?!






Nevertheless. Out of "fairness", or maybe a sense of sheer journalistic joy, why not let's take a gander at some of the pro's and con's of each candidate, shall we?



Let's see. It says here that zRTx provides 24-hours of relief indoors. So that's pretty sweet. He can also relieve your worst symptoms of sneezing, running nose, itchy, watery eyes and itchy nose or throat. So what's not to like, right?

Twenty-four hours of relief. All day and all night!!


How now about the opposition candidate?

Reading the warning label, I see that chickendude soup elevates the body's temperature and can help loosen some secretions in the nasal pathway. He also contains a good bit of protein, so eating chichenguys regularly will help with muscle build-up and development.

BTW, being an e-raccoon I recommend biting the heads off chickens. It's clean, quick and tons of fun. But feel free to consume chickenplayers in whatever manner best suits your own unique playing style.




Alrighty then. Let's check out the cons.

Evidently President zRTx can sometimes cause somnolence, fatigue and dry mouth. Hmm. That sounds kinda familiar, no? Anyway. It's also been said, by sources who shall remain Anonymous, that too much socialist allergy medicine can cause a bit of headache and dizziness. So let's watch out for that.

As for chickenpeep soups, its cons flow mainly from using under-cooked chicken, which raises the risk of being infected by antibiotic-resistant bacteria. Additionally, some chicken feed contains arsenic, which can contribute to cancer, heart disease and neurological problems. Though not reported in the literature, there have also been anecdotal reports of explosive diarrhea when chickenguys broth is mixed up with the extra-galactic seasonings of Dominar Rygel XVI.

You have been warned.










By the way. I've heard that a dread monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, with an octopus-like head containing a mass of feelers, may also be in the running. But I wouldn't dream of saying anything at all about the dread one for fear of losing my mind.