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Gin Olympiad.

Day 1,344, 12:30 • Published in United Kingdom

• by Horice G Fossil

I'm proud to say that I gallantly represented the eUK in the Gin Olympiad.

Held in a secret London glade, events were kicked of with the lighting of
the Olympic Pipe. This was leisurely followed, after some rather excellent
crumpets and a really decent pot earl grey,by the days sporting events;

Inferior pipe tobacco smoking.

Not for the faint hearted, one must charge one's Briar with an inferior brand
of pipe tobacco, then one must attempt to smoke the entire contents without
expressing one's utter distate for the tobaccos flaws in any way shape or form.

Bicycle right of way jousting.

After informing your opponent of your intention to pass, you proceed to shove
or jostle in a rude, rough manner until one of you can proceed upon your way.

The 100 meter afternoon stroll.

After quaffing a tipple of your choice, mine being a rather fine single malt, you
proceed to take your good lady and perambulate to the finish line, where pipe
and slippers and a jolly good rub down await, a small sherry for the memsahib.

The 20 minutes sit down.

Contestants sit for the allotted time and can neither light their pipe, peruse
the local newspaper or use the lavatory. I'll admit I had rather set my mind
to winning this, however after getting up to doff my hat to two fillies exiting
the nearby Pimms tent, being given a 30 second penalty therefore only
managed a rather disappointing fifth place.

The 50 yard 'Get off my land bellow'.

Approaching the local ruffian one waggles one's index finger and bellows
the tried and tested phrase 'Get off my land'. They are scored on the time
it takes, under their disapproving gaze, for the ruffian to leave cap in hand.

Mixing the perfect dry martini.

Contestants compete to mix the perfect dry martini, with the added handicap
of having no butler to do it for them. I am truly delighted to announce, dear
readers, that yours truly was triumphant and awarded a first in this event !

With the extinguishing of the Olympic Pipe, I'll sign off for the time being.