THE GREAT WALL

Day 3,128, 18:21 • Published in Canada USA • by Derphoof


Recently, Kanada reminded us down south it actually exists in some way. I had long thought it was a figment of my imagination. Perhaps, a snowy dream, lost to time.

First, you got some kind of resource, and shouted about it for a while. It took a while for your cries of joy to reach my ears, considering there’s maybe 4-16 of you left alive (Research is currently inconclusive. More expeditions will be sent out next month.). Then, Rylde decided to free Best Korea and post some kind of weird passive-aggressives article in American media. Why? Research is still being done. Due to Kanada’s historically erratic and illogical decision-making, the American Institute for Snowman Studies may take longer than usual to come up with an explanation for this one.

Since Kanada is apparently not a figment of our collective imagination, Congress decided to react to their inevitable mild annoyances. We discussed war, as Kanada assumedly has too small of a population to effectively govern their territory anyways. However, we realized we could not dignify Kanada with the use of our resources and attention in a petty war.

So… How do we, the American People, respond to a nation with no dignity and perhaps no apparent, cohesive human civilization?

Why, we use the lesser known option of passing an embargo against the Kanadians! We respond with a mechanic that actual warring nations don’t even use.

We’ve essentially taken a page from the Trump playbook on dealing with lesser societies, and we’re building an economic wall between our markets. Your money is tainted by your snowy hands anyways. It’s diseased and poses a risk to our pure sandy nature.

Over the years, we’ve been incredibly kind by showing restraint from declaring war on the North and keeping it under our bootheel forever. However, the people of Kanada have still been incredibly annoying and non-cooperative. Do you understand how hard it is not to attack you? It’s so easy and so amusing.

Yet, you are not thankful. It would take a large showing of goodwill and faith for the wall to come down and for normalization to begin. It would take no less than a public apology by every government official, as well as 12345 gold paid to my account, the acceptance of an American Governor via Dictatorship, the embracing of Dioism, and for Rylde to share with the world how he beat terminal brain cancer.