Join the new world

I’ve seen the headlines. I’ve heard the word on the street. No matter where I am or what I am doing, someone somehow manages to get the following across:

“Cottus’ Government ruined our economy!”

The February cabinet came under heavy fire for not only releasing their budget past its date, but also burning through money fast causing exchanges rates and the value of items to drop – or something like that. I don’t know the correct terms or the mumbo-jumbo that economists talk about but that is the basic picture many people have been painting lately.

I’ve read all the reports from people talking about why we’re going through a recession; from those who are educated and from those who are too stupid to know any better. I mean, some of these people who try to act smart by talking about why our economy’s going to the dogs have an IQ of a slug. These are the same people whose favourite game to play is “Let’s see how many times I can hit myself on the head with a brick before I pass out”.

You want to know why Cottus’ February cabinet took so long to set up their budget? You want to know why Cottus’ February cabinet spend so much of the taxpayers’ money? This was my second time on a cabinet. I put up with Cottus’ bullying in January and the mild corruption of other Minsters and in February, it seems that the corruption has spread like a plague in a medieval town.

I won’t stall the truth any further. Here is what Cottus’ cabinet of February spent their budget on eAustralia.



It all starts with the Finance Minister himself, Dark Vorodor. When the budget was meant to be released he simply vanished. Why you ask? Well no one knew why. He didn’t contact anyone for weeks. He thought he could hide but he was wrong. I sent one of my best investigators after him and he provided me with some interesting information. It seems Mr. Vorodor decided to take a little eVacation down at the eCaribbean on a private cruise ship with many, many women. That’s nice Vorodor, but how about spending that money on oh I dunno, a hospital for the Northern Territory or Tasmania?



Let’s not forget about the MASSIVE budget that was asked from by the Department of Defence, headed by one Cerb – the current top DOG of eAustralia (see what I did there?). Last term Cerb and his military goons bullied around innocent ministers in the cabinet. This term Cerb spend millions of tax payers’ money on a 24-caret gold plated, tank-limousine abomination. He claims it was needed for the “national security of eAustralia” but I fail to see how this is needed to protect our country. I find Cerb’s claim hard to believe as well since that ugly thing had only been used to escort him and his precious Marshals around. The money should have gone towards more defence systems than being wasted on that horrid nightmare of a vehicle.



When Jasper Ferguson was the Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs last time, he forced Patti11 to resign through threats and let many eInternational criminals into the country. Now that he is Minister, he seems that he “won” an “all-expenses-paid” trip to eAmsterdam with his deputy, the corrupt former Minister of Public Relations Brenflakes. In fact, unknown to the public, we actually did have an appointed Minister of Public Relations this term, but Jasper used his contacts to “make them disappear”. That way Cottus’ corrupt cabinet could burn away all of that cash without anyone knowing about it.

From what I heard, Jasper and Brenflakes spent over hundreds of thousands of dollars buying the best eJamaican grass money could buy. If they weren’t getting high, Jasper and Bren hit up the Red Light Distract hiring out not one or two hookers, but entire brothels. I should be outraged about all of this, but in a way I’m kinda jealous of the two – and very proud! But still, for shame you dogs! That was money we could have used for more MPPs!



Sir_c0nstant did a good job as Minister of Industry – a little too good for my likely. He claimed all of the Government-owned companies were all full of hard working eAustralians and were producing more products than ever – and those products were selling faster than hotcakes. When the balances were checked recently, the companies weren’t turning over a profit at all. If we were sells a lot of products, where the hell did all of that money go?

Sir_c0nstant was right though. We were making more products than ever and they were selling – overseas! Some products were kept here in eAustralia while most of the stuff went overseas. This was done so that the public could be fooled into thinking the GFCs were turning over a bad profit, when in reality they were making a lot more than what was being said. All the profits went straight into the pockets of Sir_c0nstant and the greedy fat-cats of the cabinet for their own personal spending.



There was a bit of commotion caused when Cottus appointed Serendipitious to his cabinet having just been accepted by the Immigration, Customs and Security department. When this eAmerican was made the Minister of the Department of ICS, he constantly nagged and pestered me to do an article on him. At first I figured he was just your average, annoying eAmerican who wanted some of the spotlight, but after sending a journalist into his home, it would appear Serendipitious wanted to use my newspaper for bragging rights.

This Minister used his position, and “additional funding”, to get in many eInternational mail-order brides that he ordered. My journalist said that he had an eWife in every room of the house and they all came from places like eRussia and eSweden. I’m outraged, as much as I am jealous, that this newcomer to eAustralia would be allowed to spend our tax payers’ money this way. Let’s try and get in more productive citizens into eAustralia next time ok?



We didn’t hear much from Timeoin this term. It was due to the fact that he spent a ridiculous amount of money on big, expensive, fancy dinners. This was his way of “understanding eAustralia culture” since he was the Minister of Culture. James Costen, his Deputy and my Deputy from last term, too also indulged in the $1000 meals a day with Timeoin. I’m truly disappointed in James since he was a very hard worker under my Department last term.

Lobsters, caviar, truffles, 200 year old wines – the list goes on and on. It’s nice to see that Timeoin spend more time “educating himself to wealthy meals” instead of educating our new citizens.



And let’s not forget about our dear former ePrime Minister Cottus Arci. He dipped his hand many times into eAustralia’s funds and spent it all on himself and his cabinet members. I recall see Cottus Arci driving to parliament everyday in a different Ferrari. I remember watching him as he joyfully sped around with the wind blowing through his hair. He knew what he was doing and he didn’t care who knew about it. He even handed out a Ferrari to each Minister and Deputy Minister and told them we were going to use them in a Destruction Derby he set up. That’s right, we destroyed all of those cars that YOU, tax payers of eAustralia paid for!



So what about my Department? What about the Department of Baby Booming? Did we get a budget? Well yeah we did. We only asked for a little amount compared to the greedy Ministers of the other departments. And yet, our application was denied. Why? Perhaps we weren’t going to spend it on ourselves. Perhaps we were actually going to spend it on the public as we intended.

Thanks to the greedy cabinet, myself and my deputy Lews – TherinTelamon were forced into spending our own money to take care of all of the new babies we were bringing into eAustralia. We had no help at all! We had a few volunteers come in but as soon as they realised being a volunteer meant they weren’t being paid, they quickly left! We had limited sources because of our low, low budget. Some of those poor little babies went hungry for days because we couldn’t afford milk and mashed foods. Yes, I know I’m rich enough and I most likely could have hired a carer for each baby, but I’m not wasting MY money on those things! Let the government pay for them! That’s THEIR responsible and not MINE!

Cottus and his Ministers have caused a great stir in eAustralia due to their ridiculously high budget and selfish spending. It’s nice to know that our ePrime Minister and his cabinet – but myself and Lews – TherinTelamon – used YOUR money that you worked HARD to their luxurious pleasures. I pray that Cerb, once a corrupt Minister, sees the mistakes and repents for this outrageous behaviour. Perhaps he can turn around the corruption of the Government and rid it once and for all.

(Editor’s Note: The Word Down Under would like to assure everyone that despite what the official government records show; Dartreal did not receive $12 million dollars for his department. Furthermore, the villas he purchased in eSpain, eFrance and eItaly – which added up to a coincidental total of $12 Million - were paid from his own pocket. If anyone says otherwise they are trying to tarnish the good work he has achieved as the Minister of Baby Booming).