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Well dear readers of The Word Down Under, the owner and chief editor of this fine, sophisticated newspaper is back in his original, luxurious office - until I have to go back to my cabinet office of course.

As many of you may know, or not have known, I was on the cabinet during Cottus Arci’s January ePrime Minister term. I was first appointed the Deputy Minister for the Department of Newbie Relations, which was later named to the Department of Newbie Relations & Culture, and then changed back to the Department of Newbie Relations. I worked along side with Mark Sanchez but due circumstances that I’ll explain further on, I was promoted to the Minister of the Department.

It was an exciting time on the cabinet. I got to interact with some of eAustralia’s finest citizens. They act different when they’re out in public compared to when they are at Parliament and during cabinet meetings. How different? Extremely different... and not for the better I’m afraid.

The cabinet members were a disgusting bunch of individuals and I’m glad to be rid of them all! They’re a degrading group who treat one another without any bit of respect. Constantly backstabbing and bullying one another, I’m surprised that anything was even achieved!

Now that I am free from the shackles of what could be the most corrupt cabinet we’ve had yet, I will tell you all what it was like to in the cabinet of Cottus Arci. I step up small cameras all over Parliament and took some alarming pictures. This article is not for the weak-at-heart so I must warn you in advance. Read on if you dare eAustralia, read on if you dare…



Everyday the cabinet got together for it’s “daily meeting” which involved Cottus Arci screaming at everyone for not doing enough. No one was allowed to question what Cottus said in fear of A) losing their job or 😎 losing their life. I can tell you now, I now know how my staff feels – but I’ll still treat them like I normally do.

I recall one day during the meeting Cottus Arci wanted to start spending more money on coffee from all over the world. He demanded that his coffee was made up of one bean per eCountry. When Timeoin said that it was ridiculous and it would probably result in a bad cup of coffee, Cottus Arci beat the living hell out of him in front of the entire cabinet.

We all watched on in shock and we couldn’t help poor Timeoin knowing that we too would be beat up for trying to help him that. That is why Derek Apollyon was promoted to the Deputy Prime Minister and that is why Timeoin was demoted down to the Department of Heritage. I mean it was disturbing to watch, and a bit fun, but it was still disturbing!

I know what you’re thinking: if the ePrime Minister was this bad, how bad is the rest of the cabinet? Read on my dear readers, read on…



When cabinet meetings take place, they are meant to be for cabinet members only. It’s logical right? Answer me this eAustralia: Why the hell were the eAustralian Military Marshals coming to our cabinet meetings? Exactly. The military have nothing to do with the cabinet yet they decided to make themselves at home.

It started off with Cerb. The cabinet walked in and saw him in Patti11’s chair with his feet up on the table. He refused to move so poor Patti11 had nowhere to sit, until he kicked Jasper Ferguson out of his chair. Soon Binda33, Sir_c0nstant, Schoft and all the Marshals just took over our chairs! We were all forced to sit on the floor in the meetings.

I knew very well Cottus allowed Cerb and his “military thugs” into the meetings with the intent on intimidating the cabinet even further to comply with his demands. Why do you think Mark Sanchez suddenly disappeared? Mark was brave, and stupid, enough to stand up against Cottus one day. This lead to his “dismissal” from Cottus’ cabinet and by dismissal, I mean brutal beat down by Cerb and his minions. Mark hasn’t been seen since this awful attack.

But who am I to complain? I ended up becoming the Minister! Yes I might have encouraged Mark to be a man and to stand up against Cottus knowing he would have been beaten up – but come on… it’s not like I did it on purpose…



It wasn’t just bullying that took place in Cottus’ cabinet; greed and corruption were so thick you could cut it with a knife, jab it with a fork and scoop it with a spoon! It was disgusting to see how the Minister of Finance, one Dark Vorodor, embezzled hundreds of thousands of eAustralian dollars for his own personal use.

The man was rolling in money. I recall one time during a cabinet meeting he lit up a cigarette using a $100 bill. To make it worse, Dark Vorodor’s cigarettes were rolled up $50 bills! Soon Dark Vorodor started arriving to work in different cars per day. Is this how the taxes of hard working eAustralian’s are being used? I decided to take my concerns to Cerridwen Voeland, the Minister of Industry. Surely she would be disgusted knowing her companies are being used for Dark Vorodor’s sick spending…

But she was in on it too! She was drowned in diamonds, rubies, emeralds and all kinds of shiny, precious gems! She told me not to worry about my concerns since everything was “legal”. She never really explained what that meant since she was too busy sipping her 300 year old wine from eFrance from her pure crystal wine glass. It’s alarming that someone as nice as Cerri would allow something like this to happen. I’m not complaining though since she gave me a bag of diamonds to take home…



The corruption doesn’t just end at the Departments of Finance and Industry; it has infected the Department of Public Relations as well. Every week Brenflakes has been getting pats on the back from everyone who reads his little reports. These are reports that are full of fabricated facts! All of the things that he talks about are completely made up in order to paint a pretty picture of the cabinet.

It looks like Brenflakes too has a car for everyday of the week. Maybe I should have protested for the position of Minister of Public Relations so I can get in on the money train that travels around the cabinet.

All I know is that I did my job and I done my job honestly. Brenflakes was meant to be informing all eAustralians about the truth but when a big fat pile of cash is thrown in your face, it’s hard to see beyond it. CrowdedHouse was quickly demoted from his position for trying to tell the truth. I guess that’s what happens when you do your job right!

Did Brenflakes talk about the financial embezzlement? No!
Did Brenflakes talk about the bullying at the hands of the eAustralian Military Marshalls? No!
Did Brenflakes talk about the wild drunk parties the cabinet indulged in at the Stary City Casino where we spent tax payers money on large bets, hookers, alcohol and drugs? No!

For someone who was meant to inform people about the truth, it seems Brenflakes did do that much of a good job…



Let’s not forget about the seemingly innocent Departments of Foreign Affairs and Immigration. The two were working together in a scary scheme that saw many infamous eInternational criminals sneak onto eAustralian soil. Both Jasper Ferguson and Lews–TherinTelamon were being paid a lot of money by the eWorld’s underworld so they could move their operations to our land.

But what about the original Minister of Foreign Affairs Patti11? Surely he was in on this? Thankfully, Patti11 didn’t allow himself to be corrupted and was going to report what his Deputy and the Minister of Immigration, Customs & Security were doing. Why didn’t he report them? Jasper told one of his “new friends” who threaten to kill Patti11 if he opened his mouth. Patti11 didn’t want to retire – he was forced to!

With him out of the picture Jasper became the Minister of Foreign Affairs and had no more problems. He contacted the scum of the eWorld, Lews allowed them to pass through and both men went him a lot richer.

It’s disgusting to see that ministers were abusing their powers like this. Yes, I might have paid Lews to allow some people from eSouth America through under the radar so I could hire them for cheap labour, but at least they weren’t well known eInternational criminals! Ok, and the hot eRussian women as well but again they were not a risk to eAustralia!



So what about the Department of Newbie Relations? What about the Department that I have been Minister of? Did we fall to the evil corruptive powers like all the other Ministers and Departments?

Of course not! The Department was very productive! My good Deputy, James Costen, produced very good videos to help out new citizens. I promoted the eOlympics heavily and saw its numbers grow. I even started up a campaign to start getting more people to join our great eNation and help us become a major player in this eWorld that we live in!

Did we fall to the corruption that all the other departments fell too? No!
Did we smile to the faces of our friends then stab them in the back? No!
Did we beat up our fellow cabinet members without mercy? No!
Did we torment our fellow cabinet members to the point they needed psychological help? No!

Let me clear up the facts before the former cabinet members come out and try to take me down. No doubt they’ll try and say I abused my position as the Minister of Newbie Relations & Culture for the following:

- No, I never used new citizens as cheap labour – very, very cheap labour.
- No, I never convinced new citizens to give up their possessions for the promise of getting far in eAustralia.
- No, I never used my Department to promote my eSport called Violent Bloody Death, which involving gladiatorial death battles.
- No, I never used the new citizens who arrived in eAustralia in my eSport, Violent Bloody Death.

There you have it eAustralia – being in the cabinet isn’t as fun as it’s made out to be. Corruption, backstabbing and both physical and emotional harassment ran wild like Hulkamania during Cottus Arci’s government in January.

I have the opportunity of being on Cottus Arci’s cabinet as the Minister of Baby Booming. After reading this article, I hope Cottus Arci tones down the corruption and I hope I don't have to see a repeat of the events that happened previously. Should I see it again I assure you, eAustralia, to let everyone know about the dirty doing of those we thought we could trust.

(Editor’s Note: Dartreal would like to retract his statement on the Departments of Finance and Industry. He would have done so earlier, but he couldn’t be reached for comment as he is currently on his newly purchased island off the coast of Queensland with his lovely eRussian women).