The Secret Life of Ronald Gipper Reagan

Day 2,224, 20:30 • Published in USA USA • by Silas Soule

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First, here's a nice Christmas tune for y'all: Rebel Jesus




The Secret Life of Ronald Gipper Reagan


RGR is about as "real" as "Duck Dynasty"

By now every true-blooded eMurican knows who is Public Enemy Number One in the eUSA. I'm talking about that goofball commonly referred to as Ronald "The Sad Clown" Gipper Reagan (RGR), aka Ajay Bruno and various other aliases.

He likes to role play a phony-baloney "Conservative" whose commitment to his "ideals" is about as "real" as those so-called "Duck Dynasty" dudes... You know...

Willie Robertson before his "reality" TV contract. Note the metrosexualist frosted tips:


And here's Willie after becoming a "duck hunter":


Haha!



RGR may be a clever reincarnation of Andy Kaufman!

Anyway...

Everybody who is paying attention has heard the sordid reports about RGR conniving with the eUSA's Serbo-enemies in order to wreck Congress and bring on the mayhem. Thank goodness we've become adept at squashing his never-ending PTO attempts.

Oodles of players are also aware of RGR's penchant for harassing people in real life, as well as his abominable misogyny, his pitiful racism, his hysterical -- and perhaps ever-so-slightly "methinks thou dost protest too much"? -- anti-gay bigotry and his downright bizarre take on a freakishly paranoid version of "American Taliban"-style so-called "Christianity".

But is any of that "real"?

I am thinking it may all be part of Ajay's genius long-running Andy-Kaufmanesque portrayal of the "RGR" entity and his e-predecessors.

Andy Kaufman was an entertainer who specialized in performing long-running pranks and ruses. I have long suspected he may actually be RGR's patron saint, or perhaps even his uncle. The ineptitude of Kaufman's early "Foreign Man" persona and RGR's eerily similar ineptness at playing "The Villain" or "The Savior" or whatnot has some interesting correspondences.

Here's a depiction of Kaufman's champion of lady's wrestling persona:


Doesn't it kind of remind you of RGR during a particularly pathetic stretch? I mean that whole "Who is John Galt?" business in the comments section? Ouch. Even extreme-Randians who never get tired of dry-humping the ghost of Ayn Rand must cringe when RGR claims to be one of them, no?



The Secret Life

As usual, I digress. Hmmm. Why can't I remember what we were just talking about?...



Oh. Right.



Yeah. So let me get to the point.

After much diligent cutting and pasting from Cracked deep research, I have pieced together some of the little-known facts about the history of the "Ronald Reagan" entity.

As a community service and in order to provide a more complete picture of e-America's #1 Terrorist Threat, I hereby present evidence on the "Secret Life of Ronald Reagan"...


His early successes came in the form of recognition by important journals like Miss Beverly Hills and Sweethearts, which proclaimed him "Dream Beau of the Month" in May 1952:


After catapulting his ability at rat out his friends and co-workers to the McCarthyites into a successful political career, by the 1960s Reagan became the first -- but not the last -- actor-governor of California to have acted in a movie with an ape. As reported in issue #2 of Brother Power, he used his gubernatorial powers to ruthlessly crush with tanks geeky hippies who were protesting his draconian rule:


With help from the oil barons of global capital, he eventually was able to foment a neo-fascist "Christian" movement in the USA and used it to seize the Republican Party away from the old school Hudson Valley cappies. That, along with some clever shenanigans in Tehran, got him into the Oval Office.

But not everything was secret wars and throwing poor and disabled people out onto the streets. As commander in chief Reagan made significant efforts to reduce tensions between the two most powerful forces in the known universe: the Autobots and the Decepitcons. Unfortunately, his efforts were interrupted by a nefarious third force called the Insecticons. All of this led Reagan to break trust with our planetary protectors, the Autobots, which subsequently led to all sorts of problems, including the election of not one, but two Bushes!




Naturally the inter-galactic community was not pleased about RR's dissing of the Autobots. This is probably what led to him being kidnapped, in 1987, by alien freedom fighters from the future, as recounted in the Famous Fascists Funtime Hour and other journals:


After being rescued by the mutant bounty hunters Johnny Alpha and Durham Red, it is said that he become very close to them:


Of course he didn't realize at the time that Durham Red was a vampire mutant bounty hunter. Sigh... At any rate, he returned to our timeline with a full head of shiny black hair and ripped pecs, despite being almost a hundred years old. Waiting for him was his loyal wife Nancy, who, thanks to documented reports in the Millenium we now all know was in fact a 1,000-year-old killer robot from outer space:


Out of the frying pan and into the fire, if it weren't for Batman's timely intervention, Robot Nancy Reagan would have succeeded in manipulating Vampire-President Ronald Reagan into hindering the work of earth's greatest superheroes.



Ronald Reagan's troubles were not over yet. Several months later, he was further transformed into a reptilian. If it wasn't for Captain America's quick thinking -- getting the Reagan entity to sweat profusely -- it could've been a real mess.




Whew! Thanks Cap!

And by the way, that "madwoman loose in the White House" was, of course, Robot Nancy Reagan, who was furious at her discovery of the vast Caster Library caverns under Washington D.C. -- but that is another story.


After that, Vampire-Reptile-President Reagan also become possessed by a demon at least once...

...as did the First Lady-Robot, seen here punching out Mrs. Gorbachev:



Despite all of his troubles and transformations, Ronald "the Gipper" Reagan didn't want to leave America defenseless against nebulous foreign threats in the wake of the end of the Soviet Union. So he volunteered to undergo a new version of the Steve Rogers super-soldier therapy. As reported in "Reagan's Raiders", he emerged fitter than ever, as something like, like a... Superman!



That's right. He didn't actually develop dementia while in the White House like those scurrilous "news" reports and "visitors to the White House" said. That's just liberal-socialist poppycock!

In fact, ever since that amazing rejuvenation, zombie-vampire-reptile-satanic-super-manic former President Ronald Gipper Reagan has been fighting the good fight to protect eAmerica from itself!





RGR: we salute you....