Humor for our Serious Discussions: What if?

Day 525, 15:01 • Published in USA USA • by Aren Perry

Ladies and gentleman, the presidential elections are within this coming week. While some parties have made their final choice (and mine hasn’t)… in good humour, I would like to provide a few “what if” scenarios, in alphabetical order, if certain people won the presidential election. What if…

Alby won

Daily we would receive press releases from the government which would include nonsensical pictures predicting woe for our government if we don't deflate our dollar, decrease spending, and decrease taxes. Besides pictures the only words allowed in the article are

disaster
terrorism
oppression
freedom of speech
voice

Critics will write well voted stories interpreting his "mime" and woe articles to help explain them to the eUS public.

Taxes would be -20% to make up for the tax oppression that has occured via PANEC.

Most importantly, The dollar will be maintained on the monetary market at 1 gold = 1 USD. Citizens will praise him, the world will stand in awe, our prices for goods will for some reason drop. and nations will come, bow down before us, and use our currency as their gold standard and give us their worthless and dusty gold in return since our dollar value is so awesome.



Claire won:

Claire would automatically obtain media mogul and build a cabinet of all beautiful ladies. During the month period, Claire would most definitely bring peace in Mexico and promote beauty products being added into the game mechanics. This would use oil as a resource, since oil makes more sense than wood, diamond, or grain.

Finally, her welcome message would warn all new players not to join the USWP.

What if

Desertfalcon (ever) won?

Most likely DF would win because he got second place and the first place presidential candidate got impeached. But if he became president…

Magically, we would leave Atlantis and manage to find ourselves more empowered. Outside of Atlantis, all our problems would be fixed, and we will attack Portugal and without the Atlantis hindrance, win the battle and take over the country.

Imports would be raised to 99% and drop income and vat taxes to 1%. DF will suggest that the admins allow 200% import tax rates as a great idea. Raising imports will somehow cause food prices to drop to 99 cents for Q1, even with low taxes it will increase revenue, and using a tax refund system DF will return 500 USD to each US citizen that doesn’t miss his tax return deadline or evade taxes (Jewitt!!).


What if

Emerick won?

Japan would move to the US.

Welcoming Message: Piss off of my country and go somewhere else you’re annoying.

Emerick would automatically be categorized as a loser, because as we all know; only the losers are the real winners.


What if

Equality won

The world would be very different. All of a sudden, all of the US businesses would be upgraded to Q2 or above and salaries would be at levels higher than the companies could rationally afford to pay. Somehow, the companies will still make profits. The budget committee will come out with the official budget being “who cares, Equality can pay for it”. And will look like

Infrastructure, 0% of Eq’s money

Everything else, 200%.

Also, Equality would become ranked #1 in the US in four days of RW fighting by being the battle hero.


What if

Gilroy Won?

The welcoming message will essentially become a recruitment message from the Federalist party. Taxes will be lowered, but every other proposal put up by congress will be habitually hit "no" to. Private citizens will become rich while the US government companies will declare bankruptcy.

Certain prominent members of the eUS community will suddenly go "missing" and never heard from again. Others would move to other countries and when asked why will say "he's listening!". The CIA will finally have a real job to do.

Lastly, there will be an item by item budget for congress where even the appetizers served before meetings will be on or below budget costs.



What if

Jewitt won?

The icon for food would be replaced with a Jones Soda can. Further, the Economic Council will suddenly be able to predict with 100% accuracy all trends within the market. The perfect tax rate for income, 18.5%, will be allowed by the admins because of Jewitt’s amazing article explaining why 18.5% maximizes returns while keeping the new players alilve.

Israel will receive huge donations from shady sounding organizations that some suggest can retrace their funds back to the CBO Government organization. The resulting scandal will be denied by Jewitt and blamed by the PR rep on his being a Jew. In reality, it’s just because people don’t like Jones Soda.

LASTLY

What if

Leroy_Combs won?

All eUS government weapon companies will be granted automatic double production. The cabinet members would all be members of the marines and all press releases will simply consist of "Ooo-Rah! We kick ass".

Unfortunately his presidential office will only last two days when the next battle in Romania starts up. The runner up, DF, would take his place.

See above for details of DF’s presidency.



Aren Perry,
AAP Party President

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