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-- a dispatch from Very Important Special Agent "42"


The following report has been filed by Very Important Special Agent "42" via e-socialist sub-space beacon "AOC2028", relayed via the secure and populist solar-powered satellite network managed by the Near-Space Sub-Committee of the Provisional Revolutionary Council of the Sunday Morning Brunch Club of the Revolutionary Committee of the Socialist Freedom Party.

VISA-42 has been embedded for some time now within the earth organization known as "We The Trolls". In hir role as Peoples' Commissar for Near Space Recycling and Sanitation, xe has been keeping a close eye on the shenanigans of known inter-stellar fugitive and litterer Dominar Rygel XVI.

The following is a transcript of hir recent mind-blowing communication with SFP Comrade Crash Bandicoot (CC😎, who received the transmission at the Party's space command radio at its secret base somewhere on North Sanity Island, just past the 7-11 and up the hill where there are two mango trees.

Gentle readers, frenemies and bored hangers-on, the transmission you're about to see is true. The names are being named in order to protect the innocent and vilify the guilty. This is the place: Bear Mountain, South Dakota, World Headquarters of the e-Global Anarcho-Socialist Movement. I work here. I'm a racoon. I tear the heads off chickens.



VISA-42: "CCB, yo, bro, imagine a stinking little alien wiping up the sidewalk with you. A dork that's only two feet tall but strong as on ox."

CCB: "What is she, a lady wrestler?"

VISA-42: "Nope. Deposed Emperor from the Hynerian Empire. Escaped prisoner. Nicknames 'Sparky', 'Fluffy', 'Buckwheat' and 'Napolean'"

CCB: "Dafuq you on about?"

VISA-42: "Now you listen to me, you gutter-mouth punk. I've dealt with you before, and every time I did, it took me a month to wash off the filth. I'll tell you what you did that time in Kansas; you staked out that resistance war like you've always done. You waited until that little punk came along. Tuesday afternoon at four o'clock it was. You waited. You waited until xe'd stopped hitting then you started pounding the red button. Ze started to cry. You know what you did. You hit that button over and over and over until you took the battle hero away. You know what you did."

CCB: "Is that really what you wanted to talk to me about over a sub-space channel? These things aren't cheap to operate you know. And I've got, um, ..things.. to do."

VISA-42: "How would I know about your affairs. I hardly ever go in the closet."

CCB: "Never mind the smarty-pants stuff, 42. I could bust you right now for Wasting The Peoples Resources. President-Chaircomrade Planck would bust you right down to the quantum level."

VISA-42: "Nyah, nyha. Why don't you do it?"

CCB: "Just tell me why you really called. Try to put that walnut-sized brain of yours to work and remember why you made contact."

(There is a long silence in the transcript at this point.)

VISA-42: "You got nice eyes... for a lousy, sloppy drunk commie."

CCB: "And I bet your mother had a loud bark. Also, I have good reasons to drink. Get on with it."

VISA-42: "OK. Here it is. You're a nasty old woman, foul-mouthed and ugly."

CCB: "Your report! What is your report?"

VISA-42: "Oh right. Sorry. A comrade-person can get a little caterwumpuss floating around in my tin can, far, far above the world."

CCB: "Understood. Please continue when you're ready. We are recording."

VISA-42: "OK. Here's the scoop. The player known as 'Dominar Rygel XVI' is not human. Xe is a tiny deposed ruler of the Hynerian Empire. Xe was overthrown by zis cousin Bishan several of your earth-centuries ago, who declared zim dead to to all the Hynerian Worlds and then turned zir over to the Black Rock Pea Shooters, a bunch of vegan-spartan militaristic freaks originating from the dead planet Devos in the decaying Ammvay system, as a prisoner. They kept zim prisoner for a few hunderd cycles, then xe got passed along as a punk-lackey to various other for-profit inter-galactic prisons until xe was able to escape with help from his fellow inmates k.d.xrghxz and Puta-z.z.-Durr. Those are Luso-Moyanan names that translate roughly into earthspeak, respectively, as 'one who walks like a chicken' and 'a seller of childrens footwear which claims to help one stride right'. It is thought that xir co-conspirators may still be traveling with zim. Are you getting all this?"

(silence in the transcript)

VISA-42: "Hello! Hello! Hey, you gay old witch, is this thing on?"

CCB: (long exhaling sound, followed by coughing) "Yeah. Yeah. Is that it? Anything else?"

VISA-42: "Jeez Crash. You know marijuana is the flame that lights the fuse of heroin that sets off the LSD bomb, right? Don't con me with that mind expansion slop either. I clean up the messes players like you make. I'm an expert in sponging up e-waste and..."

CCB: "Fer f... Cut the crap. Get to the point, willya?"

VISA-42: "Yeah. OK. So. Rygel, who has not been anyone's 'Dominar' for a very long time, claims to be an excellent negotiator, but that's just a clever con. For what it's worth, ze is also very good at urinating explosively. But generally speaking, despite a few successes here and there, ze's always caused more trouble than xe was worth. That's why ze kept getting transferred from one penal colony to another. Xe's also been known to betray zir shipmates in exchange for, well, for almost anything."

CCB: "OK. Anything else."

VISA-42: "Yeah, know the m.o. Hir resentment against being overthrown has never abated. I suspect ze's landed on e-Earth in order to establish a base of operations for organizing a regurgitation of hir rule on the Hynerian Worlds. Xe's been divorced about 37 times, is greedy, self-absorbed, egotistical and short. Rygel does not hesitate to 'procure' items from others, including the dead, and usually eats more than hir fair share. In the rare case ze does something noteworthy, xe never stops talking about it, which can be REALLY annoying. Xe's also died 2 or 3 times already and has very little fear of failure."

CCB: "Got it. I hope we didn't burn too much of your fuel on this."

VISA-42: "No worries. I'm at the end of the line, Crash."

CCB: "How do you mean?"

(A great deal of static. The line goes dead.)