Evil Chutley's Badass Cabinet

Day 1,293, 20:34 • Published in USA USA • by Chutley


Evil Chutley's Badass Cabinet

As expected, no one else declared an intention to run against me, so today I assume what will likely be a neverending term of office as Badass of the United States.

Also, I feel the need to point out that Nice Chutley’s CAVE series is failing miserably. I, for one, am overjoyed. I don’t think I’ll let him continue posting those lame ass articles, but, I suppose I’ll humor him by allowing him to pitch in at the bottom whenever I write. God he is such a poon.

Now, onto the BAOTUS Cabinet:



Vice President (vBAOTUS)

Paul Proteus





At first I was skeptical of this pick, since his first reason for being vice badass was that he would murder me in order to become chief BAOTUS, but he made a late, very strong play yesterday at the bottom of some excellent interviews (with real candidates), so I guess I've gotta go with him.

More importantly, he also provided a link to a perfect video in support of his candidacy. He will be the Dwight Schrute to my Michael Scott. Congrats on being the second most badass person in the eUS, Paul.

There’s a bonus – since you made such a badass pitch, you get an assistant. Meet Magnus Megazord.



He’s the Dwight Schrute to your Dwight Schrute. Assistant to the assistant. While that may not sound too glamorous, Magnus, you’re still in the cabinet – so rejoice.







Chief of Staffs (CoS)

I am very, very disappointed in the dearth of applicants for this position.

Someone needs to come up with some funny penis puns lickety split. Step up to the plate, take some balls, then stick it to 'em.





Secretary of Media (SoM)

Well this was easy. Kmbasketball3.



I mean, the guy actually followed through (once). I expect to see more out of him soon.





Deputy Nice Chutley Ass Kicker




Tendou and Panda will share these duties. Nice Chutley has been getting cocky recently with his new CAVE series, so I think it prudent to hire both of these guys to keep that jackass down.







Minister of Foreign Affairs (MoFA)

Iseutz




He didn’t actually apply, but he’s from Germany and he dished out some sweet ass compliments, so work your magic Iseutz. This is especially important because I plan on knocking up hella many German chicks with my sausage.

Knockwurst? More like knockbest.



Cole Bence will work with Iseutz from this side of the pond. Don't worry Cole, you'll still have plenty of work to do.






Secretary of Defense (SoD)

This was the easiest pick of all. My bro Darkskye.




Darkskye went to whole different level in his application. Check it out.

And how about these graphics?!







By the way, is there anyone more excited for that Green Lantern movie than he?




Arm America Director

This guy also went for it in his application:

Kishvier



You better start working out. I might need to strongarm any potential enemies (get it?).

Deputy

SMF93



Job is simple. If Kishvier needs help, you lend him a hand.






Secretary of My Interior

alien123pred



His words: “I want the one that no one else has taken.” Also, he was pretty badass about his request – actually, it was more of a demand and I respect that.

Well, you’ve got your position – Secretary of My Interior. Now go find me some toilet paper. Nothing with a baby on the package please.







Secretary of My Exterior


Helia 14




She didn’t apply, but no one else did and I’m just going to assume that she can make me look pretty because she’s probably pretty. Congrats Hailey. (And welcome back)





Secretary of Technology



No one. Fine, but you’re all SOL if my computer breaks. Just ask Gnilraps.





NEW POSITIONS


First Lady

Karabeth, obviously. I mean, look at this avatar:



Enough said.





Director of Affirmations

Ronald Reagan Reborn, Senator from oRRRegon



Why? Because his comment in the last article was a powerful, though succinct: “YES!”





Chief Caterer

My boy, Thedillpickl. Sure, he’s an economic guru, but he’s even better at providing condiments. In his words:

"A badass mofo like you doesn't want to come home from a hard day at work and not throw a party! Summer's here, fire up the grill, call up the bro's. I'll make sure all you have to do is burn the burgers and get fallin' ass drunk. Ya know I'm picklicious right?"

Now fix your avatar.







Ministry of Profit & Shiny Objects

Kemal Ergenekon



What is the ministry of profit and shiny objects? Honestly, I have no idea, but he requested it and it sounds cute, so I’ll oblige.





Intern Supervisor



Disco Musolini requested it – ask and ye shall receive. Something about this seems perverted, but I like it.







Head Translator/Department of Edumacation

McMason



Any BAOTUS should expect that his Head Translator should be able to explain his intentions clearly, which is exactly what McMason did. His words:

I would like to be on the board of badass chutucation, teaching people how to speak in chutisms. and when they cant be chutucated, I tell them to chut the chuck up and get the chuck out of here.

That’s a pretty badass comment right there.





Advisor to the BAOTUS

Depici



Depici is too badass to be in the cabinet. I mean, the guy is Level 35. He’s my brutha from anotha mutha, so he provides advice as he sees fit.





That's it everyone. Now, get to work!

Evil Chutley
Badass of the United States


P.S. If you would like to be in this BAOTUS cabinet but have not yet received a position, please send your application via comment below or, preferably, with your own article explaining why I should select you.





Take it away Nice Chutley...

THE CAVE

Just a few links today:

This isn't media, but check out the new Model Congress

10.1.13.5.19 makes an interesting suggestion. (By the way, what the hell is up with your name?)

Chance Harrison is doing another Battleship game.


Late edit: I already profiled Zachary Parsons, but this interview with CA is too good not to share.