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Bad news, everyone!

Hello and welcome to the first ever issue of Bad News. The only international newspaper which doesn't bring you news that are inherently bad but that presents them in a manner that some might call "bad" while claiming satire in order to avoid repercussions.

Without further ado...

- In a staggering display that baffled historians, the French managed to defeat Spain in a battle yesterday, an event that has not taken place in thousands of years since when the Earth was young and Dinosaurs roamed its surface in peace with the humans. This event is said to herald the End of Times, but skeptics say that the French had nothing to do with the victory and they merely stood by while their allies, quote "took care of their crap as usual, those damn french bastards". We here at Bad News bring you an exclusive report.

Having actually taken part in the battle, I will relate the events as they have taken place, first-hand, by quoting from my war journal.

It is my first battle. Apprehension is slowly taking over me. I clutch my gun close to my chest. The others in the trenches have done this hundreds of times before, but the fear is in their eyes as well.

"Look alive, rookie!" one of the officers tells me. "Here they come!"

In a stunning display of tactical brilliance I executed a move that the army calls "Sniper Bait" and raised my head out of cover to get a better look.

I have never seen anything more horrible in my entire life.

They were using mimes. The black and white deluge of annoyance was advancing much like a silent tsunami, inexorably toward us. They had landmimes, anti-tank mimes, anti-personell mimes, transforming the war front into what I can only call a "mime field".

Whoever has dealt with their kind before knows that mimes don't simply go away when asked to, punched or shot in the head. They continue doing what they do as if they were programmed. Our soldiers fought valiantly...but bravery is not enough when the enemy uses such disgusting tactics.

The French leader had this to say when the battle was over:

"I blow my nose at you! I fart in your general direction!"

And he said it in the most outrageous accent ever.


Stare now into the face of horror.

- Another loss by our Spanish allies happened in its war against Brazil in the Canary Islands where the South American country previously only known for transsexuals, awesome festivals, creepy jungles teeming with bugs and excellent cinematography managed, without allies, to defeat Spain and its 11 allied nations in the Battle of the Canary Islands. This is not a surprise, seeing how the Brazilians are known descendants of the Dark Elves of old and have also enlisted the aid of Amazonian women in their battle. The Amazons used the terrain to their advantage, fought with excellent guerilla tactics and used one tactic that some have called "non kosher". I will once again recount the battle by quoting from my war journal.

"Boobies!"

Spain has gone on record to say that they don't give a damn about the Canary Islands and that an island paradise that is also a strategic location near Europe will in no way influence the war.


We tried. By the gods, we tried.

- The event on everyone's mind today, however, is what historians will forever call: El Failo Epico. What basically happened is that Spain, fearing for its money in a Scrooge-like manner has "hidden" it all in a wood company which somehow shortly ended up on the market and was bought by a Hungarian for a laughable sum of gold. Boy, I sure am glad that Hungary is allied to Spain and Romania, otherwise we'd be in deep trouble now, huh?

And in the alternate universe where that scenario is true, I'm sure that Hungary is not engaged in a cold-ish war with Romania and therefore there will be no repercussions upon my person for this joke, right? Right?

Hungary has proceeded to issue an official statement regarding the money. Unfortunately, the language the statement was issued in sounded like The Black Tongue of Mordor and Gandalf said that he would not utter it here. Fortunately we managed to find a Hungarian-English translator and we extracted this:

"Ha HA! We ha-ave your mo-ney, we ha-ave your mo-ney!"


I accidentally...16000 gold.

- In what some people would not call "news", Greece is STILL fighting Turkey. However, in what most people would call HUGE news, Greece is actually winning this time.

- Finally, the collective heart of the Bad News editorial staff goes now to our Canadian allies who have lost the Frozen Wastes of the North a few days ago.

Their legions of Seals, Elks, Eskimos and Ice Trolls were no match for the Effreets of the invading forces and thus had to retreat, leaving their motherland in the hands of evil. But fret not, noble Canucks, for your time to rise will come again and your battlecry will fill the enemies' hearts with fear once more!


"It's aboot time for payback, eh?"

Canadian Congressman and comedian Jon Lajoie had this to say:

"I think it was the BeeGees who once said...Staying alive."

Wiser words have never been spoken.


Until the next time we meet...this has been the Bad News.