Join the new world

*7am the morning after election night…….the phone is ringing at Tayto’s party HQ (backyard shed)* Tayto wakes up….well sort of!!…..and looks around…..holy mother of eGod, the place is alive with Murphy’s and Bulmer’s bottles…. (No squashed grapes for this gang), mind you; the bodies holding them are… Still,…. not with rigormortis but instead natures own curse has a grip on them, the curse of “Capacity Limitation”.

*Ring – Ring* …”Where is that bloody phone”, the wife was stuck on it most of yesterday promising lonely culchies and city slickers…that the “LOVE” agenda was real….(mind you, not her LOVE…..or did I promise that as well……ahhh feck, I’ll worry about that later) and worst still I had to spend most of my day collecting voters on the motorbike and spinning them back and forth to the polling station.

*Ring Ring* I spot the extension lead on the floor and trace it along, over and under the bodies that are lying around the place , eventually I track it down to its resting under the head of “Volker Arbinus” …….ahhh wait this is a man worth talking about a solid Tayto “Grass Roots” man he is..….well he was last night after 14 pints of Murphy’s , I then lined him up and launched him at the ballot station, with a TAYTO poster wrapped around his neck for good measure………. and do you know what the fecker did when he went into the ballot station!!!….. he propositioned the voting officer ,… that’s right you heard me…….saying TAYTO had promised him “LOVE”….….the sad part of this mini tale is that the fecker scored…...and lying next to him on the shed floor this morning is his victim “Einberliner” a pretty talented lass from Southeast, who looks like she is on a medical drip, except that it’s a straw going from her mouth to the Bulmers bottle.







Ring Ring*….mother of eGod, it will wake the children I have just given them their bottles….*Ring* *Ring* …I pick the phone up…….Its the party president "Severin"…….and he is in roaring form, like bull left free in a field of heifers and tells me of the great advances throughout the country that IRP have made….. and that the “LOVE” agenda will have his full focus.

He tells me the time of change has arrived in E-Ireland and that he will be running for President with Grainne supporting……..now what a “PAIRING” that is!! …I think to myself, the RADICAL winds of change are certainly approaching. ..and there is more…but , that will have to wait till I get to Dublin he says…….

Now Severin is an inspirational boss with a passion for the IRP and E-ireland that you could not put out with a fire-hose ….but on this occasion I had to explain to him…..that I had to pay HOMAGE to a few of the voters I know, and that Cork City were throwing a bit of a bash for me, so I would be a bit late in getting to Dublin.







Well the excitement in the village is unreal, their first ever congress person….I’m now a made man…….Jasus this guarantees me a HUGE “WAKE” when I pass on….bigger than any GAA star…..hup ohhh that……...* I break away from the large crowd of neighbours and well wishers*….it’s time to get on the move……

So it’s out onto the bike “Julia2” (Named after my favourite Grey Massey Ferguson tractor)……oh yaeh I did think of calling it “Gea 386” at some stage, but Gea I think your far too classy a lady (& thanks for the vote). Well no matter what I had a great send-off from the village elders…..bless them, and their wives cooked me up helpings of black & white-pudding with chunks of brown bread and a bottle of Tea…for the long trip to Cork City.







Well holy e-god, you can tell meee jaw dropped, when I got to Cork City for I did not expect such a welcome…. Just on the city’s suburbs coming off the mallow road, I am met by the rebel counties Football and Hurling teams….….who bundled me (well I am a kerryman….I did not expect that it was all going to be smooth sailing) into this flash open top car and then driven to the centre of town…. I’d tell you, you never can imagine the like’s of it….. such a “LOVE” Hungry passionate crowd…….Oysters and Viagra were the foods of the day and on the lee flowed barrels of Murphy’s . ….. Christ the lust was pouring out of the veins , Tayto indeed had struck a raw nerve …the “Love” nerve.

Tears flowed from my eyes when the chants of “Rebel and Radical Unite….Go IRP” , bellowed from the crowd, and the Shandon bells, drowned out the sounds of Red FM. All I could do was take in gulps of air, and blow kisses at all the beautiful Cork ladies as well as pass out my “local clinics” phone number and my e-mail address taytohome@ymail.com , kiss a few babies ….and swap a bit of passion with their mom’s too…….politics is HELL, let me tell you.

Well like all good things in life, all parades also come to an end, Juliea2 was returned to me and after a quick backfire and a shout from me “ See you in the final at Croker ”….we were on our way again.







But on our way where you may ask!!! ……Well after the excitement of Cork City I was in need of some serious chilling……so we are off to Fr. Tayto’s own little church and retreat centre, hidden in the valleys of west cork a place so magical and inspiring, ……that “BONDING”, is always a “Sure Thing” whether that is bonding with e-god / bonding with nature or bonding with a special friend, who you really want as a LOVER….(so much for chilling, this collar is far too tight)…..well this is the place for YOU “ TLC” (Tayto’s Love Centre)……or also known as in RL as Gougane Barra

Feck, Spoke too soon, ……suddenly the valley is echoing to the sound out outboard motors , ahhhhhh Jasus, the amphibious IDF's own “FIGHTING NINERS”” have arrived, shooting across the lake towards mee house of worship and as always led by that Fearless, dashing CO…… “ DASH-RIP-ROCK ”, ….They pull up onto meeee Island, drop the landing doors with a BANG….and shatter a statue of the Virgin Mary….”boys o boys”…..I take a deep breath as they traipse all over the well kept garden …..only then to find out that the NINERS are in training for a ceremonial marriage honour guard….......but who’s I WONDER!!!!…..







Now don’t be laughing at My little “temple” on the island ,it may be small to look at just like myself…….but its foundations go deep,….real deep!!!.....So for future information Avatars, when the LOVE laws get passed, don’t forget the” TLC” for it’s fast sermons, and a well sprung bed in the back…..I also do all types of wedding photography and videos…I mean ALL types.….*Fr.Tayto collar just springs off*


Ok time to move on, Well let’s head for Kerry…..and our first stop is the town of Dingle, now I am not building a tourist guide here……..there’s no gold it that for me……No I am here to meet another IRP voter a well know special person here in Kerry, his name is MATAS and what a local character he is….though like all passionate Avatars, gagging for a bit “love” to fill that VOID in his virtual life.

We down a few pints together and he tells me of the grim story of Dingle, which is a reflection of all little towns in e-Ireland and a topic close to the beating HEART of the IRP……..”Our population” and how we can give our gene pool a boost …….(No MANNI, not your type of boost…..no jack boots please) and I here the sadness in his words of wanting a virtual partner avatar…. so as to start a family ....and to bring newbie’s up with good e-Ireland values, …..and how he would love to grow old with that partner and share the happy and the sad moments of e-life, ……and of course develop bonds of trust like no other alliance……”What a Man”…..his words slice me to the core and I am a hard fecker of a spud…







The only joy he has (actually it’s quite a lot of JOY…) is in his job as quality control expert for one of pdiddy’s“Duty Free” luxury goods production facilities..….ohhhh yeah I’m helping him out in this case……., I mean I need some “luxury goods” for the DAIL…….well come on now ,you can’t expect me to go up to Dublin with my hands hanging!!!

Anyway I stay the night in Dingle, mainly because I did a little too much “quality contro”l……but Julia2 and I step it out eventually late in the morning and head off for North Kerry…….(In case you are wondering why I did not stop in TRALEE…….look this feckin newspaper is turning into a book……So hold on I will be back, …..once I get a session or two in the DAIL done with.

So to all Voters no matter where you are….., well done for taking part and I look forward to working with all Congress people and their respective parties. A DRAFT of the MARRAGE AGENDA will be published next week for DAIL Review.





I would also especially like to thank the other 2 heads who voted for dear old Tayto……..I don’t know you…… “Lucky You” ……perhaps next time……but REAL BIG THANKS for the support ……Now it’s onto the Train with Juliea2 and my political entourage, family , friends , neighbours, distant cousins, sponsors, political advisors, catering( Cork / Kerry food specialists) ,the village vet, livestock, ..etc…….…………….Dublin, the DAIL & the holy ground of Croke Park…………here we Come.